


LOVE OF A LIFETIME

by susannott



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, No Threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-07-10 06:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15943544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susannott/pseuds/susannott
Summary: Story begins in the middle of Season 3, from the moment when Nia challanges Lexa. There is a lot of similarities to canon, except Lexa is alive and struggling with her love life.Some chapters will be Lexa's POV, some Clarke's POV but there will be also other's people perspective.English is not my first language, so sorry for all mistakes.





	1. Learning to say “I love you”

CHAPTER 1  
Learning to say “I love you”

I woke up some time ago. Maybe it was minutes, but as well it could be hours since I was torn out of my sleep, too afraid of my own dreams. Generally it shouldn’t bother me that much, it was nothing new, I had nightmares for years. But that one was worse than anything before. It felt real and was exploring fears, that I was not aware of. I didn’t want to open my eyes, afraid that part of that dream could come out as reality. Still I was dying to know if dawn was near. I had no idea how long I was lying there with closed eyes. It wasn’t new for me to have problems with sensing the track of time, the passage of time, not only at sleepless nights. Last few years were full of similar activities, without any evident milestones, or even events to count. But last days were different, and as much I wanted to change my previous life, when it was finally happening I was terrified. Laying in that bed, between comfortable furs, I was too scared to open my eyes to face my worst nightmare. 

Being there in Polis, after so many years was too much for me. I was confused, lost, couldn’t make up my mind what I really wanted. At the same time I was hoping that after opening my eyes it would come out as a dream and in reality I would be back in my plain, not sophisticated room, but part of me was awaiting to be exactly there, in that luxurious chamber waiting impatiently to face Heda. “Heda …” I whispered with my eyes still closed. No, I definitely couldn’t think of her at that moment, in fact it was hard to think of her at all. I shook my head and automatically opened my eyes. 

While I was lying there for uncountable amount of time, I didn’t feel anyone’s presence but when I opened my eyes I noticed that I wasn’t alone in my bed. Her face close to mine, but our bodies not intertwined. I had no idea when she joined me, I was sure that last evening I went to bed alone. I would remember if she … if we … I had no idea why I felt bad about these thoughts, it started since we came to Polis. I told her that I was too afraid to get caught but it was not true, in fact there was probably more safe than at home, especially with whole plan put into motion. Still I was keeping my distance. 

I tried to push these thoughts aside. In front of me was lying girl, who saved my life – literally and in every other meaning, and there was no reason to be ashamed that we … I could not name who we were, what we had. It was something important, something beautiful in all that horrible circumstances, but what really was it. Why she wanted me, why I wanted her – for comfort, survival, pleasure, closeness, to save last parts of our souls. I had no idea, but I was sure that she was closest person to me, that I had to protect her at every cost, that I needed her in my life like I had never needed anyone before. 

I ran fingers over scars on her face. I loved them, not the reasons why they came to her face in the first place, but regular shapes, so perfectly synchronized with her features. She opened her eyes lazily, probably because of my touch. I didn’t mean to wake her up, but I couldn’t resist touching her. I should not waste time on stupid thoughts and strange deliberations, when it was so rare to wake up together in one bed. I was trying to remember last time when it happened. It took me few moments, always the most difficult part was to separate real events from dreams. My imagination and my memories, always so intertwined. But finally I got it. Two years ago, when both of us were sick and everybody left for hunting, leaving us alone for one night. I smiled to myself. 

\- Why are you smiling? 

I shivered a little, surprised as if I didn’t know that she was awake or that she was real person and not a product of my imagination. 

\- You shouldn’t be here. – I said firmly but when she looked into my eyes so deeply, I couldn’t be mad. I leaned in and kissed her gently. She pulled back first, after long kiss, probably to catch her breath.  
\- I shouldn’t be here. I know that. And definitely we shouldn’t have sex now. And while you kiss me like that ... – She smiled but when I leaned in again she didn’t let me kiss her.  
\- You have to gain strength before … - She wanted to say more, but I interrupted her, not ready to talk about the purpose o our demand in Polis.  
\- And you think that having sex make me weak? – I sighed a little. Looking back in time, I could honestly admit that having her body close to mine, even just for stolen moments in real life or for much longer in my dreams, was the only thing that kept me alive and sane. She had to know it. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to confess, but I didn’t know how. How to express in words something so complicated, when past, present and future is mixing and there was no chance to be sure about anything.  
\- But today you have to focus … - She tried to convince me again. But I didn’t want to talk anymore. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be focused, I wanted to have my mind free from unwelcomed thoughts, I wanted her now – to feel good but mostly to show her how I feel, when I was not capable to say it. 

I leaned in again, that time my kiss wasn’t gentle. I bite her lip and when she gasped our tongues met. Not stopping the kiss, I put myself on top of her, stabilizing myself with one arm, to let the other hand wander around her body – arm, breasts, abdomen, heading to the south. On my thigh, which was between hers, I felt how ready she was. I didn’t want to waste any more time, my fingers ran over her wet folds, she moaned, breaking finally our intense kiss. I didn’t need any more encouragement, I entered her core with two fingers. She changed our positions so she was able to do the same, I was exactly as ready as her. It didn’t take us long to come, together, trying to silence ourselves with kisses, sensing all stress going away, feeling at home, without need to say anything. But she said something, what I had not heard for ages, and never from her. 

\- I love you. – She whispered into my ear. 

I hit me – these were words probably adequate to describe feelings, my feelings. I wanted to say something back, maybe not these three words, not yet, but something similar, something easier like I need you or I care about you. But at that moment somebody entered main room with a lot of noise. 

\- Ontari! 

We both immediately jumped from bed, hearing Nia’s angry scream.

\- Ontari, you little slut are you here?  
\- I’m coming. 

Ontari was fast, she dressed in seconds, and before I could say anything she was outside my bedroom, leaving door almost close to give me time to get ready, but still open a little to let me hear their conversation. I came close to door to catch their voices.

\- What the hell are you doing here?  
\- Queen, you know that it’s hard for her to be here …  
\- So what? Are you her night guard or …  
\- I’m sorry but I know that you want her strong. With nightmares steeling her sleep it won’t be possible.  
\- Enough Ontari. We don’t have time for this. It’s done. There will be no more nights with nightmares for her.  
\- Heda is overthrown, without fight?

I heard relief and joy in Ontari’s voice. If only it could be true. 

\- No. Of course not. Lexa is alive and still at her throne. But she has accepted my challenge and won’t ask for champion herself.  
\- She will be the one fighting?

I sensed that Ontari’s voice trembled.

\- Don’t be surprised. We knew it would be the only way. And this is the best way. Get her ready, it’s today. 

Few seconds later I heard noise of door being slammed with great power. Nia left. Ontari stormed back into my bedroom and without any word she took my in her arms. I ran my fingers over her back, trying to calm her. 

\- I’m strong enough to kill her. – I said finally.  
\- Your body is strong enough, I know it, I’ve been training you for years, but is your soul strong enough to kill Lexa?

I was not able to answer. I didn’t know it myself. I only hoped that I would be able to turn off my soul, mind, heart and to fight only with perfectly prepared body.

\- Ontari?  
\- Yes?

I moved from her hug so I was able to look into her eyes. 

\- I love you too.


	2. Too afraid to stop you

\- I swear my fealty to you, Clarke kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people.

I looked into her green eyes and I saw devotion, honesty, I noticed how much she cared … I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t find right words. Only few days ago I put knife to her throw, and few days earlier I spat directly at her face, but despite of that there she was, the commander of all clans, on her knees, bowing in front of me. I couldn’t breathe properly, cause my mind was fighting with my heart. I wanted to go down on my knees, to face her, to show her that I care for her too, that I care for her not only because she could be good for my people. I wanted to get lost in these green eyes and more than anything I wanted, no … I needed to feel her lips on mine again. I would not break our kiss like the last time … “I'm sorry. I… I’m not ready. To be with anyone. Not yet.” … I had no idea, why I had to say these words then, when in fact I didn’t want her to stop. Why were I so afraid to admit it. Maybe if I didn’t stop that kiss, she would stay at the mountain and I wouldn’t be pushed to hate her. I blinked to throw away these thoughts. My mind went back to fighting with my desires, but probably it was useless cause she would never kiss me again after my rejection. And how could I kiss her, how could I swallow my pride after her betrayal? It took me too long to make up my mind and to do something. She started to get up, that perfect moment was almost lost. I didn’t want to lose that opportunity completely, without chance for any kind of closeness, so I reached out and gave her my hand to help her stand up. She smiled lightly at me, but it was enough to let my heart win over head. I leaned in to kiss her. I closed distance between us so quickly, not to give her any time to run away. When our lips met I felt sparkles all over my body. Time stood still, there were only us – our lips, tongues first shy and gentle then more wild and exploring, her hands wandering on my back, fingers between hair and finally landing on my faces. I wanted that moment to last forever. I wanted Lexa to love me …

I woke up with hand between my own tights. I so badly wanted to feel her touch instead of my own. I gasped and ran from bed to bathroom to bring myself to reality with streams of cold water. 

***

\- Ambassadors of the Coalition today we honor our confident. The clan that stands against one of us stands against us all.

In room full of people, her ambassadors, with Titus on her right, she was Heda not Lexa. But all I could think about, while looking at her, were her words and her gaze at the moment when she bowed before me and swore her loyalty to me. Since last night I repeated that in my mind probably more than hundred times, trying to memorize her every word, look of her face, dying to know all meaning behind it. Cause I was sure that there was something more to that than just reassuring me that Skaikru would be safe. Was it Lexa bowing before me or just Heda bowing in front of Wanheda? Could it be … I was torn out of my thoughts by some noise, my eyes went into direction, where all eyes in the room were focused, on queen Nia, handcuffed between two guards.

\- Queen Nia has confessed to destruction of Mount Weather resulting in the death of 49 members of Skaikru. Wanheda her fate it’s up to you.

At that moment all eyes landed on me, including Lexa’s. With her reassurance I was calm and sure what should I do, I felt safe, even sensing glances full of hate from other ambassadors. 

\- Skaikru demands justice.  
\- Ice Nation does not answer to this girl. 

Nia said showing all of her hateress towards me, but Titus silenced her. 

\- Punishment for your crime is death. So do you have anything to say in your defense? 

She looked up at Lexa and at that moment when she started talking again, it hit me. It was exactly what she wanted, it was her plan to get Lexa down “I call for a vote of no confidence”. I needed to stop it somehow, but I had no idea how. I heard awful words from every side.

\- No Heda no more.  
\- No Heda no more.  
\- No Heda no more.  
\- No Heda no more.

Titus tried to get all of traitors away, but Lexa stopped it.

\- Wait. – Lexa’s voice was strong and confident, without any show of being hurt by all of them, by people for whom she fought, for whom she let go of her own happiness. 

They were whispering something, I had no idea what was happening. I was terrified. 

\- Commander what is this? – I asked, probably sounding naïve, but I needed some kind of reassurance from her, that it wasn’t what I suspected that it was.   
\- This is a coup. – Lexa admitted my worst fears.  
\- This is a law. – Nia said standing up from her knees. – Her law ... an unanimous vote of the ambassadors or death are all that can remove a commander from power. – She added.   
\- It's not unanimous. – I tried to say anything to stop that madness from happening. I wasn’t able to come up with anything else cause I was too panicked.   
\- We don't recognize the legitimacy of Skaikru. 

Titus stepped in but I couldn’t hear his words, I was too focused on Lexa. I wanted to go to her and reassured her, show her that I was with her, but it would make everything worse. Finally I was brought back to reality with Lexa’s words. 

\- And I accept your challenge. 

Everything went exactly how Nia wanted it. Lexa played along her plot. I was so furious, she shouldn’t accept it, she should have all of them executed. I knew that in that moment that was no my head which was talking to me. It was my heart, which was terrified to … I shook my head and looked back at the scene before me. There was no time for these struggles. Titus was explaining some rules of the challenge. I needed to focus. 

\- Warrior against warrior, to the death. Queen Nia of Azgeda, who do you choose to be your champion?  
\- I find our Heda weak. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit it. That’s why I chose somebody unknown and not even a warrior to face her. My servant will be my champion, and I’m sure that Heda is not strong enough to win this battle. It’s not a leader our coalition needs. My champion will prove it today. 

Whispers and murmurs went around the throne room. Everyone was shocked, including me and Lexa. I wanted to breath with relief but at the same time somehow I couldn’t get rid of the thought that it was a trap. Nia’s next evil plot.

\- I’m the Commander. No one fights for me. 

And once again Lexa did exactly what Nia wanted her to do. I felt hopeless. But I knew that I couldn’t lose her.

***

\- Clarke, this is Aden. Aden is the most promising of my novitiates. If I should die today, he will likely succeed me. Clarke worries about our people. – She told with light smile.

I wanted to scream that I was worried about her, but I was too afraid. I was barely able to admit it to myself, how could I confess it to her. I had no idea if it would make her stronger or weaker. After all love was weakness for her. Oh my god – I just realized that I thought about love in reference to Lexa. I had to do something not to think about it, it couldn’t be true. I couldn’t love her, not yet. Not with her betrayal still so fresh and painful. 

\- I'm sorry if I'm worried the fate of my people lies in the hands of a child. – It wasn’t exactly what I needed to tell her to stop it, to make her choose a champion, but suddenly after thinking about love just few minutes ago, I needed to reassure myself that I cared about my people and that was the reason why I was so terrified while thinking about that challenge.  
\- Then you worry for nothing. I've sent Indra to raise an army from the villages near Arkadia. Your people are protected, as I vowed they would be.   
\- This is not just about my people. – Finally these word left my mouth. She looked at me, with glimpse of hope, or at least it looked like that for a second, but then immediately she went back to being all Heda.  
\- You've never seen me fight. And Nia chose some unknown servant to be her champion, there is nothing to worry about.  
\- It has to be some trap. Nia is cruel and definitely she is not stupid. This servant, it has to be some great warrior, hidden from everybody, so he or she could surprise you. I don’t know it’s just …   
\- If you're right, today's the day my spirit will choose its successor, and you need to accept that. – Lexa said as if it could calm me down.  
\- Like hell I do. – I screamed and stormed out of the room to do something to stop that challenge from happening.

I needed to do something. And I needed to do it quickly. When I was no longer in one room with Lexa I stopped and asked myself if I could do something to change her mind, instead of stopping the challenge. Maybe if I showed her how I care about her, maybe if I kissed her … no I couldn’t do it. Titus was right, they saw her as weak because of me, if she didn’t fight they would see her as even weaker and next challenges could occur. I needed to do something to be sure that Lexa would win. First of all I needed to know who the hell was that servant. 

I found Roan, he gave me some ideas and also something more useful, so I decided to play a little game with queen Nia.


	3. There is no calm before the storm

CHAPTER 3  
There is no calm before the storm 

\- Are you ready?

I wasn’t ready and Ontari’s shaking voice was making me even less ready and painfully nervous. She was always so strong. She was the one giving me strength to go on, not to give up. I didn’t like the way she was acting since we came to Polis, as if she lost all of her confidence, her strength, her boldness. My confession, these three words “I love you” gave her evidently some new energy, but after Nia’s information about challenge, it was gone. She was nervous and stressed, like never before. I wanted to shake her, put some sense into her, make real Ontari come back, but at the same time I didn’t want to show any bad emotions or fight with her, knowing that our time together was very limited, with challenge planned for the afternoon. I couldn’t think past it. There was too many question marks. But I was sure about one thing – after challenge I would be dead or hunted by death. I had never killed anyone. I didn’t know if I could handle that, especially killing Heda. I was not ready, but I didn’t want to think about it, so I came back to reality and to conversation with Ontari, with resolution that I would do everything to calm her down. 

\- Yes. I’m ready. Don’t worry. It will be fine. I will be fine.  
\- Don’t be mad that I’m worrying. It’s just …  
\- Shh … I will come back to you, to my new Heda. 

I tried to sound calm while I was lying looking straight into her eyes. I wanted to assure her that I was glad with that plan and that it could give us something good, instead of more sorrow. And that I would stand by her side till the end. I wanted to hide my own insecurities to get my strong lover back. 

\- Your Heda?  
\- Yes.   
\- I’m not so sure I will be able to become Heda. Nia is so sure but …  
\- Lexa’s novitiates are just children and you are a strong warrior, you will be the next commander. And then Nia will have no power over us. 

But deep down, I didn’t want that plan to work out. Ontari as Heda, it was not a pleasant vision. She didn’t want to become a commander, knowing all the sacrifices coming along with it, living all her previous life as a prisoner, predicting that being in charge would bring only more restrictions. She wanted to be free, it was her only dream. Freedom and possibility to realize who she was and what she wanted, without Nia’s hateful gaze over her shoulder. And I …, I didn’t want to be with the next commander. But I had no other idea what to say to make her calm. I didn’t have any other plan, so we had to stick to Nia’s one, with one little modification – making everything to free ourselves from Ice Queen’s power in the process. 

\- It’s not the way the Spirit chooses Heda.   
\- Ontari, don’t be naïve. You know that it’s just an old story to keep people in …

Somebody came into main room, in which Nia was eating. Ontari silenced me with a kiss and went to see who it was. I hid but close enough to hear them. 

\- Clarke kom Skaikru. It’s a pleasure and honor for prisoner like me to be visited by powerful Wanheda. But what’s bringing you here?

Something inside of me trembled after hearing that name. I was dying to see her – that Sky Princess, alleged reason behind Lexa’s poor choices and mistakes, the great Wanheda, who ended Mountain. I wondered if she indeed was Lexa’s weakness, as Titus called it. If she could be considered as worth to lose everything for. To break rules for. To put her first before commander’s duties. But I needed to stay undercover until challenge. 

\- I want to talk about the challenge.   
\- So speak, freely.   
\- What could you get from it, giving some servant as your champion.

I thought that everybody would be so surprised. “Some servant” I said to myself. 

\- You should be happy about it. Your Heda might have better chances this way.  
\- Still giving some servant as you champion is not the best idea, she will definitely get killed in the process, so …  
\- You should be happy about that, shouldn’t you? So why do you worry?  
\- Skaikru don’t care about Lexa, we care about strong Heda and strong coalition. Lexa killing some servant won’t prove her ability to be in charge, won’t give security for my people.  
\- Interesting. So what do you suggest Clarke?  
\- Come back and demand vote of no confidence once more.  
\- To let you stopped it again. I’m not interested.   
\- I swear to vote against Lexa.   
\- I don’t see any reason to believe you.  
\- I will swear with my blood.  
\- If you say so …

Few moments later I heard Ontari screaming “Stop”. And then someone was thrown out of the room, supposedly Clarke. I came into main room. In other circumstances I wouldn’t do it without invitation, but at that moment, when Nia’s plan was in motion with me as the biggest part of it, I knew that she would not hurt me. I stopped myself from running to Ontari when I noticed that her hand was bleeding. She assured me with her eyes that it was nothing.

\- What was that all about, queen? – I asked.  
\- Skaikru Princess was trying to save her lover, but you probably heard that from where you were hiding. – Nia said with a smirk.

I didn’t respond cause my mind stopped at word “lover”. I heard gossips before, it shouldn’t surprised me. I heard many times that there could be something more between Heda and Wanheda. But it was different to hear it from some servant and from Nia herself. At that moment it seemed to be more a fact than a gossip. I had no idea, not yet, if it could change anything, and how. It shouldn’t matter, Heda’s private life shouldn’t matter in fight for my life, but still it mattered somehow. I felt Ontari’s gaze on me, so I smiled lightly but looked away quite quickly. 

\- Queen, I want to prepare myself, is what you want me to wear for the fight ready?  
\- Ontari go for the armor, the one I showed you yesterday and don’t forget about mask. And then … – Nia looked at me, as if she could care about my wellbeing, and not only about her cruel plan. – And then you should dress her and make her relax, you know what I mean. Probably it would be better in reverse order by the way. 

I was trying to look confused, not to confirm Nia’s suspicions. 

\- Do you both think that I’m stupid? – Queen said looking first at me then at Ontari.

I didn’t know what to say. Ontari stayed quiet as well.

\- I don’t mind your little affair, in fact it could be some added value. I wish to see Ontari as Heda. But it would be even better with you as her wife, standing right by her side. – Nia continued with strange expression. – Secretly I wish for Lexa to somehow survive challenge to witness that too … but it will be enough for me to know that she will see that via Spirit, when it will be inside you, she even may be a part of your wedding night that way.

Nia laughed madly. Ontari smiled, but I knew that it was Nia’s dream and not her own. Ontari didn’t want to be Heda, I was sure about that, she confessed that few months ago. I didn’t want her to become Heda either, despite of what I told her few minutes ago. So what was my dream? To punish Heda and make her suffer. I wasn’t sure. With every minute, which brought me closer to that final solution, I was less and less sure about my feelings, I was losing my certainty, my anger, my hateress and I was dying to … I shook my head, cause I was not able to think about it. All that strange thoughts were the reason why I needed strong and calm Ontari by my side. I needed her, not to run away, not to let myself be killed by Heda. 

After few minutes Ontari came to me with an armor. It was beautiful piece of art more than an armor. And mask, I gasped when I looked at it – it was perfectly painted face of a beautiful young girl, of a girl Heda used to love or pretended to love. Suddenly it gave me strength. I didn’t know why but I was sure that behind that mask I could hide my sorrow, my weakness, my disappointment, my ability to love and care, my memories, behind that mask I would become person able to kill Lexa kom Trikru. 

\- When I saw that mask … - Ontari started with some sadness hidden in her voice, as well as in her eyes.  
\- Shh … hodnes … It will be ok.   
\- I’m just afraid that she won’t throw this mask away and then this mask could make her more angry than sad and weak, so she will fight better than usual, she is great warrior after all.  
\- With or without mask, it doesn’t matter. I will kill her. I will kill her for every sorrow she brought into my life. For every tear, for every scream, for every scar on my back, for every time Nia hurt you or me. Ontari, I will kill her for you, for both of us. For us to be finally free.   
\- Promise?  
\- I promise that I will come back to you, to stay. 

These were just words, meant to calm her down, but then I kissed her gently, putting every emotion and feeling into display, and it worked better than any words could do.

She dressed me and we shared last kiss before she put mask on my face. I tried if I could see and breath properly – everything was good. I refused to look into mirror, so there was nothing more to do and we went into main room, holding hands. Judging by Nia’s content smirk, effect probably was good, maybe better than good. Lexa would have to face her past and it would bring her what she deserved.


	4. Come back to me

CHAPTER 4  
Come back to me 

I was running upstairs, I couldn’t waste any time. I had to warn Lexa, told her that if she didn’t choose a champion, she would have to face Ontari. Girl with strange, black blood, probably a result of some kind of mutation connected with radiation. Nia was so sure about that girl, about her victory, it was written all over her face. And that girl was smart, if not her quick reaction, Nia would be already dead by Roan’s poison on my knife. All of that had to do something with that blood. It had to give her more strength or other abilities, so Lexa wouldn’t stand a chance in fight with her. An image of Lexa on the ground with sword next to her chest crossed my mind. I sped up. I stormed into throne room. Lexa was talking with Titus, calmly. How could she be so stoic, so calm when challenge supposed to start in less than two or even one hour. I realized that I lost a track of time. 

Because of the noise I made entering, both of them looked at me immediately and were evidently shocked to see me in that condition. 

\- What is this, Clarke? – Lexa asked and I noticed that her eyes went wide in realization, when she came closer to me.  
\- Maybe you could tell me, I have never seen blood this color.   
\- Titus, leave us. – Lexa order, leaving no room for objection.

When he left, she faced me again. Our eyes met, but I couldn’t read anything in hers. She was calm and somehow distant at the same time. Maybe it was her way of preparing for the fight. 

\- Where does it come from? – She asked without showing if it could bother her.   
\- Ontari. Nia’s servant.   
\- So she has her own night blood. – She said again without emotions in her voice, but this time I noticed change in her eyes, something like disappointment, betrayal, or maybe just a little of fear. She probably realized that she let her emotions be seen and looked away, at the window.   
\- Now everything is clear. It won’t be simple challenge, it will be conclave, at least in Nia’s head. – She continued, not looking at me.   
\- Why? And why the hell her blood is black? – I didn’t care about boundaries, I moved so I faced her again. She was evidently nervous, but at the moment I stand in front of her, she smiled lightly. Probably to reassure me. Her smile woke up something inside of me and my heart started to beat too fast, so I took step back, breaking our gaze.   
\- Only night bloods can take a flame and become commander. So if Ontari won, Nia would insist that she should take a flame. And according to your second question, night blood came from the first commander. 

I was too excited because of her smile and close distance between us, that I couldn’t focus on her reply. My body definitely didn’t listen to my mind. I heard what she said but I didn’t have enough concentration to analyze it properly. 

\- So now, you definitely have to chose a champion. – I simply said, what I was supposed to say from the moment I stormed into the room.   
\- No I can’t, more than ever, knowing this. I can’t. If flame want to chose her, if she became the next commander, it won’t be my choice to make. It never was. I’m only the vessel of the flame.   
\- Please stop, Lexa. You are the commander, the best one. You have to stay here. Lexa, please. 

I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to lose her or that I couldn’t imagine my life without her or that I cared about her so much, but words were stuck in my throat. 

\- Lexa please, there is no way for coalition to survive under Azgeda’s reign.  
\- I told you before, my Spirit would chose wisely. Next commander will protect your people and you.

I paused to take deep breath. There was no more time to let my head and heart fight. I could lose her forever, there could be no other chance to say that. 

\- I don’t want the next commander, I want you.

Finally these words were released. I looked away, not able to face her, but I could sense that she was shaking lightly. She took my hand and with simple touch made me look at her. Everything stopped for these few seconds, when our eyes met. I could sink in them. Her gaze was so understanding, so gentle, so touching, so loving, so intense … I didn’t want to stop that but unintentionally my eyes moved from her eyes, the most beautiful I had ever seen, to her lips. I stared at them for the moment. My internal fight was trying to start again but there was no more time, no more time for these stupid divagations if I should forgive her later or sooner, if I could trust her, if she would ever let herself forget about Costia or stop considering love as weakness, if that wouldn’t be act of betrayal from my people’s point of view. I didn’t want to go again into that internal discussion. I wanted her, I wanted her alive, with me, facing that world together, fighting for our believes, for our people, but also for world, in which there would be place for peace, for trust, for love. I wanted that not for myself, not only for my people, but for her, for us. I wanted us. I moved back my gaze to her eyes and leaned in. I wanted to show her that I was ready, that “not yet” was not actual. But at the same moment when I started to lean in, she spoke up, what stopped me immediately.

\- I will do my best to win … 

She stopped, probably surprised with what I was supposed to do. I saw something unreadable lighted up in her eyes, but my courage was gone and I wasn’t able to lean in again to initiate the kiss. I was waiting for her to say something more, but Titus stormed in to announce that it was time, that challenge would start in 30 minutes and Lexa had to prepare herself. She let go of my hand and started to walk away. All I was able to say was silent “Come back to me”. She didn’t say anything in return. Maybe after all these times I rejected her, she didn’t want me anymore. 

***

When I went out from throne room all I could think about were Clarke’s words “I don’t want the next commander, I want to you … come back to me.” And her moves, evidently she was trying to kiss me. I cursed myself for starting to talk in that exact moment. I ruined that moment. I should come back to tell her that I wanted to come back to her, that I needed her so much, that … I loved her. And to kiss her, the way I wanted to since the moment I saw her for the first time. Not so gently and shyly as I did few months ago in my tent, but passionately and hungrily, with all these feelings trapped inside of me for so long. But it was not good time for that, I had to be focused to be able to come back to her. But my heart was beating so fast with excitement, that I was not sure if I would be able to focus on anything. I shook my head to put my thoughts in right direction – Nia, Ontari, conclave. I could not let that happen. I could not let them destroy coalition. I told Clarke that my Spirit would chose wisely, but it was only words and old believes, and I said it to clamed her down. I didn’t want her to worry. But if I didn’t fight for Coalition, nor Spirit, neither Azgeda, would fight for it. And Coalition after all it was something I was fighting for, for all my life, it was the reason for all sacrifices, it was the … I was trying to put that thought aside, but today I failed completely in controlling my thoughts. So out of nowhere, just before probably the most important fight in my life, just after Clarke’s confession I thought about my past lover. I remembered that Costia died because of my desire to get all clans together. And it got me unwelcomed feeling of loss, something I thought I had buried long time ago. I still missed my first love and I still hated Nia for taking her away.

***

I was passing in front of the citizens of Polis, all of them were cheering, they were giving me reassuring smiles, I saw in their eyes that they were hoping for my victory, but not only out of duty, but because they cared about me, they knew me and thought about me as a good heda. It gave me strength, I wanted to win for them, for coalition, for Clarke, and also for myself, for a chance of a better future. Ontari might be night blood but I was heda, she would not be able to defeat me.

Just before entering arena, I passed next to Clarke, she gave me reassuring smile. I smiled back and said “I’m glad you came”, even if I wanted to say so much more. But it was not right time, and leaving that for later would give me something more to fight for, to have a chance to say Clarke how I feel about her, to not let her live without knowing my heart.

I stopped in the middle of the arena, in front of Ambassadors and Titus. I looked at them. I made an eye contact with every one of them, showing them my strength. They needed strong heda, coalition needed strong commander, I would prove myself with that fight. I had always felt stronger beneath my war print, as if it had some mystical power. And at that moment my war print was more powerful than any other mask I used to wear before – I was heda. Lexa kom Trikru, the first commander, who put all the clans together. Some random girl would not be able to defeat me. My eyes stopped at Nia for brief moment and then confusion hit me, cause next to Nia, there was a girl, whose features fitted perfectly to the description of Ontari. It was strange. If she was her champion, she would not stand on the podium. I had no more time to think about that and to stare at that girl, cause at that moment, Nia’s and Ontari’s eyes went behind me. Something in their gazes changed, I wanted to know, but I didn’t follow their path of sight, cause Titus stood up and started formalities.

\- Citizens of Polis, please welcome second champion, Nia could you reveal her name.  
\- You will know her name, after she will take her knife out of Heda’s heart. I don’t know about any rule indicating that champion have to introduce her or his name before fight.  
\- That’s true, there is no law … - I saw shock on Titus’s face. His eyes went wide. I had never seen him like that, I went after his gaze and my eyes landed on Nia’s champion … on Costia.

I didn’t know what was happening. I was trying to blink to stop my mind form playing with me. But it didn’t work, image in front of me didn’t change. How it was possible, how could she be there, how could she be Nia’s champion. I wanted to run to her to hold her in my arms, to be sure that it was her, that she was breathing, to feel her heart beat next to mine, to say her that she was safe and didn’t have to fight for her freedom, to say that I still ... But when she came closer and stood next to me I realized that it was just cruel joke, and it was not Costia, but perfectly crafted mask hiding some stranger’s face. I looked away, my eyes landed on Nia. I noticed her smirked, she looked as if she had already won that challenge. But I would not give her that satisfaction. I would kill her champion, even if I would have to look at replica of Costia’s face while slitting her throat. I smirked too and mouthed “I will kill you” in Nia’s direction.

At that moment I was sure that I had to win, and that Nia had no right to live when she had no heart, when she was so cruel. There was no chance I would let that heartless creature lead my people to death and misery. I would kill her champion and then I would kill her. “Jus drein jus daun” for Costia’s blood and for my sorrow.


	5. Shadows of the past

CHAPTER 5  
Shadows of the past 

I was waiting impatiently for Lexa to finally get close to me, but citizens of Polis were making her way to the arena painfully long. She was moving so slowly, taking time to smile at her people, to shake hands with some of them, to thank for their cheers. I knew that it was ridiculous, cause every step was getting her closer to challenge and closer to that danger, but I wanted to face her, to look into her eyes, to touch her as soon as possible. I needed to know that she wanted to come back to me. After all she didn’t say anything in response to my confession. It made me nervous and uncertain. I wanted to ask her again to come back to me, not for sake of my people, but for me. But when she finally reached the place in front row, I was not able to say or do anything more than smile lightly at her. She smiled back and said “I’m glad you came”. It gave me a ray of hope that she wanted me, despite my previous rejections. 

When Lexa moved further into arena, and my eyes went after her I noticed that Ontari was standing next to Nia on the podium, so evidently she wouldn’t be Queen’s champion. My theory wasn’t correct. It made me nervous. What the hell Ice Queen was up to. I was in the front row, but still too far away. I wanted to be next to Lexa, reassured her that I would wait for her, that I wanted her to win not just for my people but mostly for myself, that I wanted forever with her and not just some stolen moments, with both of us unsure and the past and tension holding us back. Still these thoughts were scaring, but after I said that aloud, it was less terrifying. I was able to admit to her that I wanted her, so as well I could say to myself that I wanted to hold Lexa in my arms forever. 

When Lexa turned into my direction I smiled at her, wanting to say so much with that simple gesture. She smiled back and then turned to face Titus and ambassadors. Titus ordered Nia to introduce her champion, but she refused. It was getting more and more strange. Why was she doing everything to hide name of her champion. I wanted to do something, anything. It was totally out of my character to stand and watch, not to be a part of an action. But I had no choice.

I noticed that Lexa turned to her left side. From the move of her head I assumed that her eyes landed on a girl, who was entering the arena. Nia, Titus and all ambassadors were looking in that direction as well. It had to be Nia’s champion. She was small, probably inch or even few inches smaller than Lexa, with that pretty face, blonde hair and wide smile she looked almost like an angel, not able to hurt anybody. I looked at her for few moments, it was strange that smile never left her face. I didn’t see Lexa’s face, cause she was standing with her back to my direction, but I noticed that she was shaking a little. All of that was strange. Why the hell she was staring at her opponent and shaking. At that moment I heard whisper from my left side.

\- Costia … it’s Costia. Look, it’s her. It’s really Costia. 

I looked at woman, who said that. Her eyes were wide open and wet from tears. 

\- What did you say? – I asked her, harshly.  
\- Don’t you recognize her? – She looked at me with disbelief clear in her expression.  
\- Who is she?  
\- It’s Costia. It’s her lover, it’s Costia. 

I could not believe it. How was it possible for Costia to be there. Lexa told me that her head was delivered to her bed, many years ago. I stood there in shock. That was the reason why Lexa was shaking. That was Nia’s plan, she held Costia imprisoned for so many years just to bring her to kill Lexa, knowing that Lexa would not be able to kill her lover. I wanted to scream, I wanted to go to Lexa and stop all of that, I wanted to kill Nia. She was too cruel to deserve to breathe any longer. And suddenly my mind went in totally different direction, I realized that Lexa’s great love was back. And as much as I didn’t want it, I felt jealousy, cause she was beautiful, she looked like an angel and strangely with her blonde hair and her figure, even without closer look, it could look like Lexa had a type. And I couldn’t stand the thought, that our kiss back then it was just reminder of the past for Lexa. That I was just a potential substitute of lost lover. I shook my head, it was not time for these immature, childish thoughts. 

But evidently Lexa was stronger that I thought she was. After all she was Heda and she thought that love was weakness. She was able to stop her body from shaking, she took off her insignia and got a sword. Costia did the same. They were standing face to face, none of them ready to be the one to start that fight. From my position I was not able to see Lexa’s face and I could only notice profile of Costia, but somehow her face looked strange with that unmoving wide smile. Something was not right. Beside the fact that everything was not right in that challenge, something was indeed not right with that girl. I looked at podium, Nia was smirking, she was so sure of herself. My eyes landed on Ontari, I noticed that she was desperately looking at Costia, as if she wanted to catch her eye, she was evidently nervous. Titus, standing next to them was pale, and almost not breathing. 

I took my eyes from podium, my attention was caught by noise of hitting swords. Fight started. Lexa was attacking, but quite calmly, exactly the same way like as I saw her few times during trainings with her novitiates. Probably she was not ready to hurt Costia – not ready or not able at all. I wanted to scream with all feelings boiling inside of me, how Nia could be so cruel. I had no time to imagine all the ways to kill Nia, cause fight was starting to be more intense. Lexa attacked more violently at that moment but Costia put her aside with trained movement of her sword. She was small but she was not weak. They started to move around the arena more lively and hitting of swords were more and more noisy with every minute. When they came closer to the place where I was standing I noticed what was wrong with Costia’s face – it was not a real face, it was a mask. I breathed with relief. It would be possible for Lexa to kill her, to win. Because her lover was not back, I wouldn’t have to compete with her and she could come back to me. I took closer look, it was perfectly crafted and so natural, but still nothing more than a mask. I looked at woman, who was standing next to me and I breathed with relief for the second time when I noticed that she realized exactly the same. It was not Costia, it was just another cruel plan prepared by Ice Queen. She wanted Lexa unfocused, angry, sad, weak because of her memories. But her plan was not working, Nia’s champion was brought to her knees beneath Lexa’s sword. I was gladly awaiting final push, but that girl was so strong, she was able to push Lexa aside. Lexa almost lost her balance in that action. They started to hit sword on sword again. Something in that scene was majestic. As much as I was concerned with Lexa’s wellbeing, I somehow enjoyed watching her fight – she was masterpiece, her fighting abilities was almost an art. But her opponent was quite good too, unfortunately more than good, I had to admit.

Few more minutes passed with them pushing each other around the arena. People were cheering for their Heda, I was glad that there was no one cheering for her opponent. I hoped that it would give Lexa more strength, knowing that her people wanted her to be their heda, that they loved their commander. I looked again at Nia, she was evidently impatient, probably she was hoping for her shame to have bigger impact on Lexa. I looked on Titus, he was more calm at the moment, I was sure that he realized that it was only a mystification, that Heda’s lover was not brought back from death. My eyes landed on Ontari. That girl didn’t look like as person, which Nia could prepare to be next heda. She was nervous and evidently worried about outcome of the challenge, she didn’t have Lexa’s calmness and stoic façade. I turned back my attention to Lexa. At that moment I could see only her back. But she evidently started to shift the balance of that fight to her favour. I was starting to calm down myself. She put Nia’s champion to the ground, her sword close to her chest. There was one move left to end that madness. But suddenly something totally unexpected happened. Girl on the ground was able to turn around so quickly and with one movement she was back on her feet. But fortunately she missed her sword in the process. Lexa would kill her in a minute – I told to myself. I was staring at the back of woman I wanted so badly to be mine, hoping that she would come back to me, to let me confess all my feelings to her, to let me hold her, to love her. 

Lexa was moving to her opponent to put her sword into her chest, when the other girl made something totally unpredictable, something I found stupid. She didn’t make any move to prevent Lexa’s sword from hitting her or any afford to find some weapon, instead she took one step back and with smooth move took off the mask from her face. I was trying to see as much as I could from my position. It had to be another kind of Nia’s trick, cause that girl’s face looked like older version of the mask she had just throw away. It was so strange. I was so focused on that girl’s face, that I didn’t notice Lexa’s body was shaking again until I heard that her sword hit the ground. At that moment Nia’s champion turned around to pull spear from one of the guards’ hand and with one quick move she pushed Lexa to the ground and put the weapon to her neck. 

\- Lexa … 

I screamed. But I was sure that she couldn’t hear me. There was too noisy and I could easily feel, even without seeing her face that Lexa was in complete shock. If that mask, which was laying on the ground, was mask of Costia’s young, teenage face, then real face of that girl had to be an adult, mature version of Costia.


	6. Jus drein jus daun

CHAPTER 6  
Jus drein jus daun

In past years I dreamed about dying. Not once. Because of pain both physical and emotional, because of loneliness, hopelessness, lack of purpose and no future worth waiting for. But at that moment I didn’t want to die, I was not ready. Twenty three years of my life, including almost seven years as a prisoner of Azgeda, was not enough, it could not be. These years weren’t real life, it was an attempt to survive, nothing more than endless despair and powerlessness, mixed with dreams and nightmares of what I had lost … sometimes it was nothing more than pry to be finally dead, as the only way to escape, until … For a brief moment my eyes landed on Ontari. It was so obvious that my dreams about death started to be less and less frequent since she came and brought back sense into my life. She saved me and I didn’t want to leave her, not yet. I had only one chance to say “I love you” to her. I couldn’t understand why I had been waiting almost three years to confess it. She deserved so much more after all these years, during which she used to keep me sane. And I didn’t want to leave her alone with Nia, I promised to fight for freedom for both of us. And my death would bring release only to one soul. I reassured her with my gaze and she smiled lightly at me. I had something worth living for. I had to focus.

My eyes came back to Lexa. For the first time since I entered the arena I had a chance to look into her eyes, cause she was standing almost unmoving, looking at me with great concentration, as if she wanted to predict my next move or plan her final push. Probably she was shocked that I was able to escape from her sword, and stood up. It lasted only seconds, but our eyes met. It surprised me but I found her to be exactly as I remembered her. And somehow it also terrified me cause she was still that girl I fell in love with. Bold, beautiful, strong, commanding, stoic, but not deprived of feelings – all of these was evident in her gaze. Suddenly the vision from more than dozen minutes ago came back to me – her body trembling at the sight of her lost lover, at the sight of the mask of younger me. It looked almost as if she cared about me … I was pushed by my own thoughts to asked myself if I really should hate her so much. I used to love her more than I could describe. Was it really so close from love to hate. After all she didn’t look like I used to imagine her during my imprisonment – as fearless, emotionless commander, who thought that love was weakness, who didn’t look back. How was I supposed to kill her … or more likely in current situation how I was supposed to let her kill me … Thinking about it I had to admit that I didn’t want Lexa to dip the sword in my heart and then find out about my true identity. It would be too cruel, I didn’t want to be so cruel, I was not so cruel. It was not me, not my plan, not my intention. In last few days I tried to convince myself that I wanted that, cause it was easier but it was not true. Deep down I didn’t want so overwhelming punishment for Lexa. Still it was hard to decide what I really wanted but I didn’t have any more time to think about it, her sword was too close to my chest, my heart. So I did the only thing that could stop it. 

I used all energy and flexibility my body had inside to run away from her weapon and throw mask away from my face in one smooth motion. When our eyes met without barrier of the mask, something strange happened. It felt as if the world stopped and we were the only two people alive on earth. When I saw pain, confusion, shock, excitement and … suddenly also care and love in her eyes, my heart stopped as well. It was probably only few seconds, but for me it was like years. As if these seven long and painful years meant nothing and we came back to the moment in which we left off. 

\- Costia, fight!

It was Ontari’s voice, which brought me back to reality. I wasn’t a fifteen years old naive girl in love with powerful and breathtaking heda, it was long over. There was no love anymore, only disappointment, regret, hate …. And I had to fight for what I really cared about, for who I really loved. I noticed that Lexa dropped her sword. Probably seeing me was too big shock after all. I took a chance. I turned around, pulled a spear from the guard and with simple and quick move pushed Lexa to the ground. My hand with spear was moving into direction of her chest, when world suddenly stopped again. It was not me who would be dead in few seconds but still it was me, who experienced that strange phenomenon of whole life passing in front of my eyes.

*** 

My mom holding me in her arms, whispering softly, something about dreams and demons. I was three years old, when I realized that there was good, as well as evil existing in this world. That I would never see my brother again, that Mountain took him.

***

I was going to my father’s shop, all streets were full of people smiling and talking, I could sense that summer was so near. I loved summer. All these colors, smells, noises of animals, warm sunshine. I realized that I didn’t want to spend any minute in closed space of my father’s workshop. I run in direction of woods … I wanted to be free. 

***

I was thirteen. We came to Polis, cause our village was destroyed by Azgeda. I was walking around the market, it was so different from my hometown, I felt a little lost in that unknown, big, so overwhelming place … I was scared until my eyes met her eyes for the first time. Everything about her was breathtaking. Her green eyes, wonderful smile, silk hair, gentle but at the same time firm voice, the way she was moving, talking, laughing. There was no chance to move, cause my world stopped. I was standing there, staring at her, with my mouth probably wide open, but without a fear, only with excitement.   
\- Are you lost?  
\- I … - uncountable time passed without my answer. I was not able to form proper thought or sentence.   
\- I heard that there a lot new people from Othin. Are you from that village?  
\- … Yes.  
\- Do you need a …  
\- Yes.  
She laughed. I was too young to know what these feelings burning inside of me really meant. But I wanted to follow my instincts.   
\- You might just agree to anything. Why?  
\- Because of your eyes. – I said without thinking.  
Her face turned red.   
\- So do you need a guide? – She said, fighting her blush. 

There was no chance to look away or say no while hit by the love at the first sight.

***

“I love you Costia and I will fight for you, to stay with you forever.” After these words Lexa’s lips touched my own. World was spinning around us, but we didn’t care. I didn’t care. She loved me back. She took me to heaven, too many times to be able to count them properly.

***

“Mom, she is Heda now. And I will be her wife, soon. She promised to love me forever and protect what we share and I believe her.” Tears in my mom’s eyes when she was leaving Polis, and leaving me behind, cause I decided to stay with Lexa were not enough to stop me from being the happiest girl in the world. She was mine. And she promised that her duties as newly ascended Heda wouldn’t destroy our happiness, never. 

*** 

Countless days filled with conversations about world and future – our future, future of coalition, which she was planning to start, better future for human kind … and countless nights filled with gentle whispers and wild desire, with love, with her soft touches and passionate kisses … 

***

Growing coldness, with every step I was pushed to take in direction of Azgeda. Facing Nia for the first time – my previous life ended. But still there was some hope, hope that she would come for me, to save me. 

***

Pain in my back, with next scar put on it, after I refused to tell Nia what she wanted to hear …

***

More pain, as I witnessed what they did to a girl who looked a little like me … her head … all that blood … no!!! I wanted to be dead, I wanted to be in her place. It was too much.

*** 

Three years with nights in cold cell and days with strange, unwelcoming faces of warriors, who came to train me. I had no idea why they wanted me to be strong, so efficient as a fighter, so durable to pain. I didn’t want myself to be strong, I wanted to die. So far away from my real life, left behind, with dreams about past which brought only more sorrow and regrets. 

***

\- From today I’m your teacher.   
I looked at the girl, who entered training area. Her face was covered with scars, as the ones of previous warriors, who taught me, but still she was so young and beautiful and her voice was so gentle. Her eyes so full of life. She was different. For the first time I felt that I was glad about getting these lessons. 

***

When she touched my face and smiled at me, like there was no cruel world around … I could breathe again …

I shook my head. I had no idea how long I was hidden in my own mind, with all of these memories and demons of the past. I pushed myself to focus on present moment. I looked at Lexa. She was lying there with her eyes closed, defenseless, harmless. Someone screamed her name, making her move and look at me again. I looked into these green lamps – she wasn’t terrified, she was hopeless and hurt, but not by me. And in fact I wasn’t hurt by her either, or not mostly by her. We had common enemy, we were not our enemies. I couldn’t hate her while she was in front of me. I could hate her, when she was visiting me in my dreams, and was so far away, I hated her cause I missed her so much and wished for her to come for me, to save me … I needed all of that to stop. I made a move to hit the reason of my sorrow with the spear. And I did it – I threw the spear, screaming “Jus drein jus daun”.


	7. Confusion

CHAPTER 7  
Confusion

When she throw her mask away I thought that my eyes were trying to deceive me again. It couldn’t be Costia. It was probably another mask, it couldn’t be her. I didn’t want to reach out to her, too scared of being heartbroken again, after discovering that it was not real. That she didn’t come back to me. That she was still dead. I was staring at her without any move, I was petrified. I couldn’t believe. It couldn’t be true. It was too strange. Not only the fact that she was there, but the way she was fighting me, with so much rage, the way she looked at me with pain mixed with longing and hate. She looked as if she was frozen, exactly as I was. Two lost souls in the dessert, without all of these people around. For brief moment I saw that in her eyes longing was winning over hate, that she was looking more and more like her old self. But suddenly I heard her name “Costia”, I had no idea who screamed it, but evidently it woke something in her. Her eyes came back to be cold and full of hate. I realized that she would be able to kill me and that broke me. If she would be able to kill me there was nothing else worth fighting for. Probably that realization was the reason why my muscles gave up resulting in my sword dropping to the ground.

After few second, she took a chance and pushed me to the ground. I didn’t do anything to stop her, to fight her back or to run away. I was lying there waiting for her to end that madness. Maybe it wasn’t Costia after all, maybe it was only a vision of her, a product of my own mind. But it was too real for me to be able to fight her, to make any attempt to hurt her. I would never do anything to harm her. Anyway there was not more time left, her spear was coming closer and closer to my body, I closed my eyes, I didn’t want to look into her eyes, while she would be ending my life. Past commanders, or just my own spirit took me on a journey through lifetime. 

***

\- Mom, I don’t want to go. I want to stay with you and dad, with my friends.  
\- It’s not a matter of your will, it’s a matter of duty. It’s your duty to be a part of Conclave, you’re night blood. You should be proud.  
Being four, seeing my mom for the last time, experiencing sadness coming with my duties for the first time.

***

Knowing that someday I would have to kill them all, or one of them would kill me, it was too hard to make any connection. It was too risky. It was too painful. How could I kill my friends, my brothers or sisters … instead of playing with them in our free time, I ran away into woods, to be on my own, not to let myself care for them. 

*** 

\- Held you arm higher, if you don’t want to be pushed into ground for the fourth time. – Anya’s voice was firm but calm and caring, giving me sense of safety and … being some kind of a substitute of mother’s love which I was missing so much.

***

Ten years after I had started my life in Polis, I could not imagine being somewhere else. It was my home, with Anya as my mentor, with my fellow nightbloods, whom I learned how to care about, even with Titus, as my teacher. I was happy, Heda was strong and still young, I thought that Conlave wouldn’t come soon. I enjoyed trainings, gaining knowledge about our world and culture, learning how to cooperate with people, it was my world. I didn’t look for anything more until that day. I was walking around the market, looking for some furs. It was then when my eyes landed on her. Of goddess more than a girl. I couldn’t take my eyes off her – blonde hair, blue sparkling eyes and something, I didn’t know what, but something mesmerizing behind simply gorgeous physicality … Our eyes met, she was evidently staring at me, as hard as I was staring at her. I didn’t think too much, I reached out to her.   
\- Are you lost?  
\- I …   
\- I heard that there a lot new people from Othin. Are you from that village?  
\- … Yes.  
\- Do you need a …  
\- Yes.  
I laughed, she was adorable. I had never experienced something like that, I wasn’t sure if I could name that properly, but my heart was trying to jump out of my body and all I wanted to do was looking into her eyes forever. My mind tried to recall Titus’s words “Love is weakness”, but there was no chance to hide from the love at the first sight.

***

Date for Conclave was set. Three days left – to gain strength to fight with my own brothers and sisters, to prepare myself to even consider killing them, to say goodbye to Anya, Costia … to confess my feelings. We were inseparable for over year but still I wasn’t ready to confess what my heart was hiding, cause still “Love is weakness” was audible in my head. I didn’t want to be weak, I couldn’t put her life into danger. But I couldn’t left her potentially for forever, without confession.

***

\- I love you Lexa, I have never felt anything like that. You are my whole world, I don’t need anybody else, I can’t lose you. I would die if …  
She was quicker. She told these words before me. I couldn’t breathe, overwhelmed, happy, but also terrified. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to leave her.   
\- I love you Costia and I will fight for you, to stay with you forever.  
After these words I leaned in and kissed her. We had kissed before, but that time it was different. I felt as if my body would explode, with every emotion, every desire. I looked into her eyes and I saw that her feelings were mirroring my own. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I took her into my arms and carried to bed. We spent all night exploring our bodies for the first time. I couldn’t get enough of her. When I woke up with her head on my chest I decided that I would come back, that I was ready to win Conclave, with everything required to be alive and to be with her. 

***

I woke up in empty bed. My mind was spinning. I remembered that yesterday I went to bed with Costia, and she was never the first one to wake up. When my eyes stopped on the night table I realized why my mind was spinning, an empty bottle – we drank all of it. Yesterday was the third anniversary of our first meeting. Costia prepared journal with our memory lane. We celebrated.  
I went to main room, she was not there, she wasn’t in the bathroom either. I wasn’t worry, not yet, but when I stepped out from my chambers to the corridor to ask guards about her, my heart stopped. They were lying there with their throats cut.

***

\- Love is weakness …  
\- You can’t destroy everything you put into that coalition. No one is more important than your people ...  
\- It’s you duty. Love is weakness …   
\- You are Heda. To be Heda is to be alone …  
\- You care about her and now she is dead …  
\- Love is …

I stopped my horse and gave orders to come back to Polis. We wouldn’t attack Azgeda. I couldn’t destroy all these efforts put into creating coalition. I couldn’t let down my people, even for her – or rather for memory of her. Cause she was gone forever and any revenge wouldn’t bring her back. 

*** 

My eyes landed on that girl. She was afraid of me, it was evident but at the same time, everything about her was somehow bold and brave. And she looked … like an angel. I didn’t want to see her eyes and gorgeous face. I looked in the space behind her, not to be distracted by her beauty.  
\- You're the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive.  
\- You're the one who sent them there to kill us. – Smart move. It wouldn’t be easy.  
\- Do you have an answer for me, Clarke of the Sky People?   
\- I've come to make you an offer.  
\- This is not a negotiation.   
…  
If I could believe in such things, I would say that it was my re-birth. At that moment, when she entered my tent my heart started to beat again. As much as I knew how dangerous it was, I couldn’t help it.

*** 

\- I do trust you, Clarke.  
\- I know how hard that is for you.   
\- You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive.   
\- Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?   
\- Maybe we do.  
I so badly wanted to believe that indeed there could be something more than just surviving, something closer to living and being happy. Clarke … simply being around her was better than just surviving, and when I was looking into her eyes I wanted more, so much more. I leaned in to kiss her. All at once it came back to me, feelings and desires long ago buried down with Costia.

\- Lexa!!!

I heard that voice, my name screamed by her. I was so wrong, there was still something left to fight for. I couldn’t left Clarke without saying goodbye, without admitting how much it meant that she said "I want to you … come back to me". I opened my eyes. I had no idea how long I was lost in my memories, but evidently Costia was still considering how to end my life. When our eyes met, she decided. It was evident with move of her arm. She was ready to kill. But I wasn’t ready to die. I shrugged aside and jumped to my feet, only to hear Costia screaming “Jus drein jus daun” and to realize that the spear hit its goal.


	8. How am I supposed to feel about it?

CHAPTER 8  
How am I supposed to feel about it?

Abruptly, after long, almost lazy moment, when they were just staring at each other, everything happened so fast. Spear coming closer to Lexa’s chest, me screaming her name, Lexa coming to her feet, Costia or whoever that was throwing spear all the way across the arena into Nia’s heart or place where heart supposed to be. All people gathered around went silent. I was shocked as well. Shocked but so relieved at the same time. Lexa was alive. Challenge was over. I wanted to run to her, to be by her side. Maybe finally, without threat from Azgeda, life could become something more than surviving, I was ready. I would never repeat “Not yet” to Lexa. But suddenly it hit me that everything had changed. It was hard to believe but with high probability Costia was back. Lexa’s first love. From the way Lexa’s face changed when she used to mention her name, the greatest love of all possible. There she was only few inches apart from Lexa. Alive, godlessly beautiful, powerful … Challenge was over and Lexa was alive but probably she would never come back to me, as I begged her to, cause she got Costia back. She would never want me, even if she did before. 

I was brought back to focus on reality surrounding me by Titus’s voice.

\- Citizens of Polis. We have never witnessed this kind of outcome of challenge before. There is no precedence. But there is a law we have to fulfill.

I was looking at Titus, worried. I had no idea what kind of law he could be talking about. Evidently both of champions didn’t want to kill each other, person who started the challenge was dead. What else could be needed to end that madness. 

\- Challenge was between Queen of Azgeda and Heda. Queen is dead, but before her death she didn’t cancel the challenge, we have to wait for her successor to speak up.

I breathed with relief. Roan would have to decide. It definitely calmed me. He wouldn’t be so stupid to push idea of the challenge further. At least I hoped so. But realization came over me that maybe Roan wouldn’t be the next ruler of Ice Nation. I looked back at the podium, my eyes went to the person staying closest to Queen’s dead body – to Ontari. She was evidently relieved too. Thought that maybe she would be Nia’s successor crossed my mind, after all she was her secret weapon against coalition, her natblida, and Roan was banished. I didn’t know what to think about her, when she came to Nia’s defense cutting her hand and sprinkling my face with her dark blood she seemed to be an absolute imitation of Nia, cruel warrior, ready to kill anyone who stood in her way or messed with her ruler. But at that moment there was no anger, no sorrow, no sign of desire for revenge, she seemed relieved, while standing next to dead body of her former Queen. It was confusing. And I definitely couldn’t imagine her as the next queen. I didn’t know why but it somehow wasn’t fitting. I took my eyes from Ontari to Titus, who after some break, was gathering strength to speak up again, he was still in great stress, so unlike him.

\- And according to the crime, which occurred moment ago … according to murder of Queen Nia we have to …   
\- Titus, step off.

I looked at Lexa, she was on her way to the podium. Every her move was showing great anger, but at the same time lack of composure. I had never seen her like that before, not even before the mountain or when missiles came into TonDC. When she took place in front of Titus all eyes were on her.

\- Queen Nia got what she deserved, this girl got her revenge, but it was not even close to be enough for crime that Nia committed against her. There will be no judgmental toward Costia, she is under my protection until decision about the challenge will be known. No one, I said no one, will do anything against her.

I was too far away to read Lexa’s face properly. But according to tone of her voice, she was evidently sure about her words and she wouldn’t accept any disobedience. By her actions and words she also confirmed that it was indeed Costia. 

\- I don’t want your protection. 

My eyes landed on the girl in front of podium – on Costia. After shouting at Lexa she started to walk away. 

\- Stop her! – Lexa ordered in direction of her guards.  
\- By making me your prisoner, do you want me to regret that I didn’t kill you? 

I could sense weight of these words, which was put on Lexa. Costia was evidently mad with her former lover, which must hurt. But these words could also have very bad impact on Heda – at that moment Costia confirmed that she was closer, much closer to win the challenge. I realized that all that could weakened Lexa’s position as commander, even if challenge would be canceled. I saw that Lexa tensed, but without a lot of thinking she walked over to her guards, who let Costia passed. Lexa walked behind her. Titus in great hurry followed them.

Everyone gathered around the arena started talking in the moment their Heda left. From every side I could hear excited but also worried voices.

\- It’s fate …  
\- Costia must have gone through hell …  
\- She is still so beautiful …  
\- Heda should put feelings aside and fight better …  
\- Our Heda will finally be happy again …  
\- This fight was epic …  
\- Love made her weak, she almost got killed …  
\- This love conquered all …  
\- It’s good that Queen Nia is gone  
\- She will be equal partner, perfect wife to Heda …

I didn’t want to listen to these whispers and more aloud talks, I started to walk away in unspecified direction. 

I had to gather my own messy thoughts. That day was too intense. Queen’s challenge, Lexa’s stubbornness, encounter with Nia and Ontari, confession of my feelings – to myself and to Lexa, mask of Costia and Costia herself, evidently mad at Lexa and Lexa running after her like … it hit me, I had never seen Commander acting so carefree in front of her subjects. She just let Costia almost kill her, scream at her without respect and then she followed her, evidently not caring about her own pride and position. But most of citizens of Polis didn’t find it as weakness, they were excited about their Heda’s love life. I didn’t know what to think, I had no idea how I was truly feeling about that. I should be happy for Lexa, she just got second chance with her love, she was alive, Costia was alive, it could be new beginning for them … But I wasn’t happy, probably I was selfish, but I wanted Lexa for myself, I wanted her, I needed her, I loved her … I wanted to scream. I had never been so jealous, I could imagine competing for Lexa with her duties and her people, but with other woman? It was almost unbelievable. 

After some time I found myself in the middle of the forest, central point of Polis – the tower far away from me. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down, to enjoy afternoon warmness and entertaining noises of nature, smell of resin. When I was on the Ark, it was my dream – to be on Earth, to be in open space, to feel nature with all my senses. It was possible at the moment. Being there in Polis, protected by Lexa I could live out my dream. My thoughts once again came back to her. I didn’t want to think about Lexa, cause it was too confusing. I had been fighting my feelings for so long, and when I finally was able to admit it to myself and to her, everything went out of hands. I shouldn’t even have hope, cause caring about her, I supposed to be happy for her reunion with Costia, with their second chance. But I couldn’t feel happiness, I was worried, sad, disappointed, I hoped that after that fight, after Lexa’s victory, she would find me in my chambers to admit that she came back to me and she would kiss me. I dreamed about her lips on my own, I was dying to feel again what it felt to be kissed by her. Her gentle, tender lips, at the same time so sexy and passionate, her gaze just before our lips met – thirsty and lustful. Still with my eyes closed I let my imagination go further than my memory could …

Her eyes on me. I almost couldn’t stand her gaze so passionate and full of lust. I couldn’t wait any longer – closing space between us was the only option. Our lips met, first gently, then more hungrily. She bit my bottom lip, and when I gasped her tongue entered my mouth. Thrill and sparks ran over my whole body. I pushed into her. Our tongues fighting for domination. I finally got into her mouths. It was trilling. I wanted so much more. My hands found place on her hips and then went up to her back, underneath her shirt. Her hands found my skin too – she chose to move them alongside my arms, and then she rested them on my neck, pushing me deeper into kiss. When we finally had to stop to breathe for some air, and our eyes met, we both knew that we couldn’t stop that from happening. Neither of us wanted it anyway. She took my hands and placed it on her neck, and then with one smooth move lift me, making me wrap my legs around her hips. When my center touched her body, besides the fact that we both still had our clothes on, I thought that I would explode. I needed her, immediately, fully, completely, naked, with me. She must sensed it cause she walked with me wrapped around her to her bed and laid me down carefully. Then immediately she got me out of my trousers and pants, I stripped myself from shirt and bra. With my disappointed look, I pushed her to stripped too – she was breathtaking. She was work of art, with all these muscles and perfectly shaped body. I was dying with desire. I wanted her so much. I lifted myself and pulled her on top of my. My hands found her ass and when I pushed her closer and one of her legs found her place between my tights, my blood boiled. It was too much. We started to push our bodies closer, working in sync. But our hands found enough place between us to reach their destination. When my fingers ran over her wet folds, I couldn’t stop myself from moaning. I wanted to be inside of her at the same time, when she entered myself. My fingers found her center, so wet and perfectly silk, she started to clenched around me, but I couldn’t focus on that cause I had already been on edge. We reached our orgasms almost perfectly together …

I opened my eyes. It was only a daydream. I felt a little ashamed. I used to have dreams about Lexa, but fantasies like that, in the daylight was something different. I found myself almost dying to be touched after my imagination played with me. I didn’t want to feel my own hands, but there was no hope for anything else. I unzipped my trousers and put my hand inside my pants. I was wet, and ready to come so quickly. It took only few movements. 

When I calmed myself down, I decided that it was time to face the reality. I couldn’t hide in woods again, I had to come back to the tower, to face Lexa, to be sure what would happen next – with challenge, with coalition, with Lexa as heda, with our relation, with my people … with us.


	9. Silence between broken worlds

CHAPTER 9  
Silence between broken worlds 

It echoed in my ears “By making me your prisoner, do you want me to regret that I didn’t kill you?” How could she said such words, or worse how could she think that I would make her a prisoner. How could she potentially ever regret not killing me. It broke my heart. Fighting in challenge, even to death it was one thing – it was the way of life, fight not to be killed. I couldn’t blame her for considering killing me but how could she regret not killing me. It was totally different thing – being pushed to kill me and not having options to change it but regretting not killing me after she found different solution … I couldn’t think about that, it was too hurtful. I only wanted to protected her. 

I had no strength to say anything to Titus or people gathered there, I didn’t want to waste any more time away from her, I needed to talk to her, to know if she was real, to know every detail of her past, while she was taken from me. Not thinking about how it would look like or what people could say, I started running after Costia. Forgetting about all rules of being Heda. 

\- Please, stop for a moment. Talk to me, Costia!

I begged her. I couldn’t stand the fact that when after all these years she was back in my life, she wanted to run away. That she didn’t crave being close to me, as much as I did. I had to use all my strong will not to lock her in my arms to hold forever. But as much as I wasn’t concentrate on my duties and responsibilities, I was aware that I couldn’t act that way in front of citizens of Polis. I couldn’t show so much weakness. Not after that challenge, when I was so close to be killed. 

\- Heda shouldn’t ask and definitely shouldn’t beg anybody for anything …  
\- Costia, don’t you think that we have something to talk about after all these …  
\- After all these years? It has been six years and 263 days. If you want to know. Yes, I counted. And no, I don’t think that we should talk. And definitely I don’t want to. 

She sped up into direction of the tower. I wanted to follow her immediately, but I felt someone’s hand on my arm. It was Titus. I saw disappointment but also fear written all over his face.

\- Heda, please … You can’t chase after her around the city. It’s not fitting for Commander. You should speak to your people after challenge, its outcome was not typical and you were almost killed, you can’t show any more weakness.   
\- I will speak to them but not now. And according to the challenge you should take care of it. Secure its cancelation. Find Roan, I’m leaving his banishment. I want him as new king. 

I shot Titus a warning gaze, more intimidating than ever. He stopped and I run after Costia. I entered tower, just behind her. My heart was beating with twice than normal speed. At that moment, finally away from curious looks of citizens of Polis, I could do what I dreamed about since I lost her. I grabbed her arm just before she entered the stairs, I turned her around, and closed her body in my arms. I wanted to hug her, to feel that she was real, that she was there, that she wasn’t dead. I closed my eyes, but before I could get into properly feeling that precious moment, she pushed me away. Look into her eyes froze me. I saw hate again. I thought that probably on the arena she was trying to feel negative emotion to be able to fight with me, as a part of surviving. But why there and at that moment, when we were alone? I was staring at her, trying to see something else in her gaze, but I was not able. She turned around and started walking upstairs. 

\- Wait, please. – I begged again. It was so not like me, not how I supposed to behave, but I didn’t care.   
\- Do you really want me to be your prisoner, mighty heda?  
\- What?  
\- Do you really …  
\- I heard the question, but I don’t understand. How could you say something like that?  
\- I don’t want to talk to you, but you push me. I don’t want to be anywhere near, but you use your strength to touch me, enslave my body in your arms. For me it’s …  
\- It’s not like that. Costia, why are you acting so strange?

She didn’t stop walking, so I was talking to her back, while she was so quickly passing another floor. But I noticed that she tensed after my last words. 

\- Strange? Don’t be ridiculous and cruel Lexa! What is strange in fact that I need …

She stopped in the middle of the sentence and suddenly sped up again. As fit as I was, after our fight it was almost impossible to catch up with her, while talking. I almost lost my breath. But I wasn’t ready to give up, I was determined to have proper conversation with her, something what could give me hope that she was still that Costia I could remember. 

\- For me it’s like a miracle, that you are here, alive, that …

We reached floor, where Azgeda’s delegation stationed. She stopped in the front of door to Nia’s room and turned around to finally face me.

\- Lexa.

She paused, taking deeper breath. I was hoping that she would continue, that she would finally speak with me. 

\- For me it’s also a miracle. After almost seven years I have a chance to be free. I want to cherish that moment. Do you understand? … - She looked at me with unreadable expression. - No, you probably couldn’t understand what it meant to me. I was prisoner just few minutes ago. And now I’m not. I want to be happy that I’m finally free. And the main privilege of free people is to talk to who they want to talk, give their body to people they choose. Let me, just let me. Don’t be like Nia.  
\- How could you? How could you compare me to her?

I looked at her with so much pain. I couldn’t understand why she was acting that way. Of course she suffered horrible things as a prisoner, but why she wasn’t happy to be reconnected with me. As much as I was or at least a little bit. I wanted to be close to her, I needed to talk to her, but more than that I wanted her to be happy, to be comfortable, to feel safe, so I apologized for letting my feelings took over me.

\- I’m sorry. It was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. You are free. I will never do anything against your will. But if you would like to talk, you know when you can find me. 

I looked into her eyes once more, trying to see something else than hate, something more than pain. But I had to give up, cause her gaze was too intense, and I couldn’t afford crying in front of her. It would be too much. Maybe she needed more time. Or maybe she would never be the same. Immediately I felt so bad that I even thought about it, how could I expect her to be old herself after so much pain, sorrow, which I was sure Nia caused her. Maybe she would never be able to feel anything more than hate and regret. I would have to accept that, trying not to cause her any more stress and torture. When I started to turn around to leave her alone, something strange happened. She grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to her. It was rough and violent move, but ended with her lips on mine. My world stopped. Costia’s lips were hungrily pushing my own, her tongue with strong motion found its way to enter my mouth. It was passionate, it was intensive, but somehow it felt so wrong. I had to put all my strong will into it but I managed to move away from her. I looked at her, not trying to hide my confusion but also suffering. I couldn’t read anything from her gaze, she didn’t give me enough time, just quickly turned around and with much noise closed door behind her. I was standing there, lost. I couldn’t gather my own thoughts. I so badly wanted to talk to her, to touch her, to be sure that she was real, but when she kissed me it felt wrong. I had no idea if it was because I could sense more hate that caring via her lips or … because all these years which had passed made both of us so different, or … Clarke. Suddenly I thought about Clarke and kiss which we shared in my tent few months ago. It was so tender, caring, but at the same time passionate. It felt right. I heard Clarke words “I want you.” I felt immediate need to talk to Clarke, but at the same moment I realized that I had no idea what could I tell her. There was too much confusion. 

\- Heda?!

I turned around to met Titus’s worried gaze. 

\- Heda, you should go to your chambers, you are definitely tired after challenge.   
\- Don’t tell me what to do.

I didn’t want to hear his excuses, but I knew that he was right. I was making fool of myself, standing there and waiting for Costia to talk to me, lost in my own thoughts, so consumed with my feelings, forgetting totally about commander’s duties. All of that wasn’t appropriate for commander. I nodded in his direction and entered elevator to reach my floor. I needed to focus on my people, on my duties, on securing peace after that challenge, which evidently showed my weakness.


	10. There is no way back, I won’t let it happen

CHAPTER 10  
There is no way back, I won’t let it happen 

\- I don’t want your protection. 

I didn’t want anything from Lexa. She was my past, something I didn’t want to come back to. And I needed to run from her as soon as possible to hide from these unwelcomed thoughts, which were putting me in state of confusion. I learned how to cope with my sorrow, with my disappointment, with broken heart, I couldn’t let Lexa destroy all of that and brought me back to start, where I was just weak and miserable. 

\- Stop her! – Lexa ordered in direction of her guards.

My blood almost boiled in my veins. How could she act like that. How could she want to take away my free will me after all these years which I spent in captivity because of her, because of my connection with her. 

\- By making me your prisoner, do you want me to regret that I didn’t kill you? 

I wanted to say that, I meant it, but when I heard these words aloud, it sounded somehow too heavy. I was standing there looking into ground, waiting for her gourds to let me pass, but they were standing there unmoving. Instead Lexa came and stopped few inches from me. 

\- Please, stop for a moment. Talk to me, Costia.

She was begging, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her. Her face showed so many emotions – hope, joy, excitement, a little of confusion and hurt … when I looked directly into her green eyes I noticed also something like care, maybe shadow of love. For a second all I wanted was to let myself be lost in her arms, to let her hold me, to let myself come back to the day and night during which we were celebrating our anniversary, to pure happiness, to feeling of being safe and loved for the first time. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. And deep down I knew that it wasn’t what I wanted. 

\- Heda shouldn’t ask and definitely shouldn’t beg anybody for anything …  
\- Costia, don’t you think that we have something to talk about after all these …

I couldn’t let her talk to me any longer. I couldn’t let her make me want to talk to her, renew our connection in any form. I just didn’t want to be devastated again. So I interrupted. 

\- After all these years? It has been six years and 263 days. If you want to know. Yes, I counted. And no, I don’t think that we should talk. And definitely I don’t want to. 

I had to walk away. I wanted to run away and hide somewhere, but there was no place I could go to. Only spot I might feel quite safe in Polis was tower and my room, room in which Ontari would find me. I craved her closeness. I needed her to take all bad thoughts from me. So in the moment Lexa’s guards lowered their weapons, I sped up into direction of the tower. 

I realized that Titus stopped Lexa, so I took that chance to run from her. I put all strength, which was left in my body after challenge to get to tower as soon as possible. When I was finally inside someone grabbed my arm just before I entered the stairs. Suddenly I was closed in her embrace. It felt like … home – it terrified me. It wasn’t my home anymore, she wasn’t. I couldn’t trust her. I had to get as far away as possible. Why did she try everything to make it harder. When I freed myself from her arms, I looked into her eyes. I put all of my sorrow into that look. I wanted to show her that she should stop trying to get close. It was in the past, whatever was between us. There was no way to come back and there was no way to share any other relation after once being so in love. She was looking at me as if waiting to see something else, I didn’t give her that, I just turned around and started walking upstairs, wanting to be in my room as soon as possible, hoping that Ontari was already there. Waiting for me with her loving arms and calming words. 

\- Wait, please. – She begged again. How could she act like that. She was Heda after all, she should show more dignity, especially after challenge in which I had almost killed her.   
\- Do you really want me to be your prisoner, mighty heda?  
\- What?  
\- Do you really …  
\- I heard the question, but I don’t understand. How could you say something like that?  
\- I don’t want to talk to you, but you push me. I don’t want to be anywhere near, but you use your strength to touch me, enslave my body in your arms. For me it’s …  
\- It’s not like that. Costia, why are you acting so strange?

She was talking, while I was still walking upstairs. I didn’t want to get into argument or any other form of conversation. As I decided any form of connection with Lexa was closed in the past. But how could she said that I was acting strange, how was I supposed to act after so many years of imprisonment. It made me furious. How could she be so uncompassionate, so not understanding. I needed to let that frustration get out of my head. I didn’t stop from climbing up the stairs but screamed into space in front of me. 

\- Strange? Don’t be ridiculous and cruel Lexa! What is strange in fact that I need …

But I didn’t finish, I shouldn’t show her my emotions. It could only hurt me more. I should run away and never look at her again. But she didn’t want to let go, she started again. 

\- For me it’s like a miracle, that you are here, alive, that …

Finally we reached my floor. I stopped in the front of door to Nia’s place. I hit me at that moment that there was no Nia, that I killed her. But my conscious couldn’t be more content. I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty. She deserved it. And Lexa, she was not an enemy, I just didn’t want her to be around. I faced her, trying other strategy to free myself from her words, from her presence, from my memories and feelings. 

\- Lexa.

I needed to tell her something, which would make her let go … give me time, space to gather my thoughts and feelings properly. 

\- For me it’s also a miracle. After almost seven years I have a chance to be free. I want to cherish that moment. Do you understand? … - She looked at me with unreadable expression. - No, you probably couldn’t understand what it meant to me. I was prisoner just few minutes ago. And now I’m not. I want to be happy that I’m finally free. And the main privilege of free people is to talk to who they want to talk, give their body to people they choose. Let me, just let me. Don’t be like Nia.  
\- How could you? How could you compare me to her?

She looked at me with so much pain, but after few seconds I realized that she finally understood. 

\- I’m sorry. It was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. You are free. I will never do anything against your will. But if you would like to talk, you know when you can find me. 

After apology she looked at me again. I saw that in her eyes, she was hurt and it wasn’t what she wanted but she would give up. Why? I asked myself. Could it be because of care? Could she still have some feelings… I couldn’t analyze it, it was too risky. Suddenly she was turning around and I panicked. She wouldn’t follow me any longer. I immediately felt hurt and abandoned. My body took over, pushing my mind aside. I didn’t want to be the one left behind … again. I grabbed Lexa’s arm and pulled her into my own body. It was more like instinct than act of free will, but I kissed her. I kissed her with every emotion hidden inside – with sorrow, hate, longing, broken heart and … It surprised me but she pushed me away. In her green eyes I saw confusion, maybe a little sorrow. I had to run away, I couldn’t let my body, mind or heart playing with me like that. I turned around immediately and entered Nia’s room. All my strength disappeared. I was exhausted, I couldn’t even reach my bedroom. I fell to the floor and broke down into tears. It was too much. That day was too much for me.

I had no idea for how long I was crying on the floor, when I felt that somebody was lifting me up. It was Ontari, she took me in her arms and carried me to bed. She didn’t ask, she didn’t say anything, but in her eyes I saw that she understood. That she knew, what I was going through, after killing Nia, after reaching my freedom, after facing Lexa. She knew. She didn’t have to ask and that was why I could feel safe in her arms. 

When I woke up, according to position of moon I sensed that it was probably middle of the night. But Ontari was still awake, sitting on bed next to me, holding my hand. I wasn’t ready to talk, to say anything, but I was dying to express how I felt. I sat up and pulled her closer, until our lips met. First very gently, but with every moment we kissed more and more passionately. I wanted to reassure her that nothing changed between us, that these three words which I had finally said few hours ago were still actual … maybe I wanted to reassure myself as well. My lips went down alongside her neck to her breast and further into south, I wanted to feel her. I needed to feel her, all of her. My lips set wet path going from her stomach, via hips to inner tights. She trembled a little when I came closer to her core. I sensed that she needed me as much as I needed her, and as soon as possible. I took her clit into my mouth, sucking it and biting a little, then my tongue went via her wet folds and dived inside her. When I felt that she was so close I went back to her clit, circling and sucking it while filling her with my fingers, pushing them in and out rhythmically. I felt that I would come without her touch just from feeling her with all my senses, from her walls clenching around my fingers, taste of her wetness in my mouth and sound of her moans and screams. But when she gather her breathe I realized that she needed to have me as well, so I didn’t protest when I felt her tongue on my clit and then fingers inside of me.


	11. Saving my face

CHAPTER 11  
Saving my face 

It was so strange to want that day to end as soon as possible, when it was the day when something so unbelievable happened, something I could never even dreamed about. Costia was back. She was alive and in good shape – at least physically. She was so strong and more beautiful than ever. And only few floors away, but still too far away. The fact that she wasn’t able to speak with me was the reason why I wanted that day to end. I couldn’t spend more time considering my next move – if I should go to her, persuade her again to talk with me or should I leave her alone, giving her some space. That kiss which we shared wasn’t helping. She wasn’t able to talk with me but she kissed me. Passionately but also somehow distant and unkind at the same time. And to make it even more confusing, there was Clarke. Thoughts about her mixed with these about Costia. When I closed my eyes I couldn’t separate visions of kisses, which I shared with both of them. I was tired. And all of that wasn’t appropriate for commander. I almost died in the challenge, it could have horrible impact on the coalition, on my position, on my people. I failed them, letting feelings speak louder than my mind. I felt ashamed remembering how I was acting in the middle of my capital, how I was chasing after Costia, begging her to talk to me. People of Polis shouldn’t see that, how could they trust me after something like that, after seeing me weak because of … love. Love? It suddenly hit me that just few hours ago I wanted to come back to throne room to confess to Clarke that I loved her. And looking deep inside my heart I couldn’t tell if anything changed, but after learning that Costia was alive it felt like betrayal. It was so strange that I had an impression as if I betrayed Costia, but at the same time I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t tell if I loved her the same way as before. I was so happy that she was back, I wanted to be close to her, but was that love? I felt so much, but I just couldn’t tell if that was love. I expected that my head would explode with all these thoughts. I desperately needed distraction, I came to a cupboard to make myself a drink, when I heard that doors opened. My heart skipped, it had to be Clarke, she was the only one entering my chambers without knocking. I was afraid to turn around and face her, not knowing what to tell her. But when I heard voice of my guest I realized that it was just Titus.

\- Heda, you are needed in the throne room.  
\- Ambasadors? – Suddenly all my troubles with feelings became much smaller, I had to expect the worst, next vote for no confidence, after my failure and further behavior or another challenge.  
\- Yes, but first Roan. He is supposed to be new king of Azgeda. And he asked for conversation with you, Heda.  
\- I will be there in a minute.

I dismissed him without eye contact. As good as I was in self control and covering my feelings with perfect still façade, at that moment I wasn’t ready to be judged by anyone. And I was a mess, I knew that without looking into mirror. As long as I remembered I had never had to deal with so much confusion and unstructured thoughts. Titus from all people would definitely see that. And I wasn’t ready to hear all that “love is weakness” again. I needed to deal with it on my own, but without abandoning my duties on the way. 

I sat in front of the mirror and corrected my war print, almost destroyed by the fight. I put on my full regalia. I couldn’t show any more weakness, even in my appearance.

I entered throne room. Roan was already there. When I walked in and took my place on the throne, he kneeled in front of me. I nodded. But he didn’t stand up.

\- I swear my fealty to you Heda, and to the coalition of thirteen clans.   
\- Thank you Roan. – I put more emphasis on next words, confirming that I would support him and his banishment would be lifted. – The King of Azgeda. I’m looking forward to finally repair relationship with Azgeda. Now it’s possible. 

I nodded again and he stood up. I came down from my throne to face him. I needed allies, as many as possible. In few minutes I would have to face ambassadors and for the first time I was afraid that when they would accuse me, they would be right. I was guilty of showing weakness. But at the same time I was sure that coalition still needed me and couldn’t survive without me. Aden was smart and strong, but he wasn’t ready to become the next commander. I had to remain on my position.

\- I’m glad that you will be Nia’s successor and I hope that Azgeda will follow your rule and it brings better future for your people.   
\- Thank you, Heda.   
\- And I hope you know that we still need strong coalition.  
\- I know.   
\- Can I count on you in that matter?  
\- Heda, I know that coalition will be strong only with you as a commander. It’s your achievement.   
\- So?

He looked at me boldly, small smirk showed on his face.

\- The challenge will be canceled. 

I breathed with relief. I couldn’t imagine entering that arena again, with Costia as my opponent. I wouldn’t be able to fight her, while at the same time I would so badly want to be alive. It would be a torture, something not possible to resolve with good outcome. 

\- I’m glad to hear that.  
\- Heda?  
\- Yes?  
\- Will you give me your support on the way back to Azgeda?  
\- What do you need?  
\- There are still supporters of my mother. They will ask for justice.  
\- Justice is done. She kept Costia imprisoned for almost seven years.  
\- I don’t want it or need this, but my people, my mother’s followers will ask for something. Some kind of punishment.  
\- We will talk about it later. I can’t …

I stopped, cause Titus entered the room. I looked at him and nodded letting him speak.

\- Heda, ambassadors are ready. May I let them in?  
\- Yes.

I looked back at Roan. I smiled lightly and added some reassurance in my gaze.

\- I will do everything to ensure your reign. All of us need strong but polite Azgeda.

I came back to my throne and took a seat. I shivered a little at the thought that in a second I would see Clarke, and it would be for the first time after challenge, for the first time since her confession, for the first time since both of us knew that Costia was alive. How Clarke would act, how she felt about that, would she understand how I felt. I was waiting to see her as well as feeling nervous. And how could she understand the way I felt, if I had no idea. I shook my head a little, to bring back my focus. At that exact moment everything was about duties and ensuring that coalition was stable and there wouldn’t be any more inside tensions in near future. 

Titus took place on my right side and looked at me for permission to start. I nodded. I was quite surprised cause doors were already closed and Clarke wasn’t on her place. It was strange.

\- Ambassadors, we gather here to discuss two important issues. Introduction of new king of Azgeda. And outcome of today’s challenge. 

I heard some murmurs went around room. I looked around, stopping to exchange eye contact with every ambassador. I couldn’t show weakness. I didn’t feel weak at that moment. I was weak in front of Costia, cause I wasn’t prepared to see her ever again and I wasn’t ready, how could I be, to see hate and so many other bad emotions in her gaze, but I was sure that I was still capable to command the coalition. I had to make them sure about it too. 

Titus continued his speech.

\- Roan of Azgeda will be Nia’s successor as her only child and because his banishment was lifted by Heda. 

I rose my hand to made Titus stop. I needed to speak for myself, it was enough that I ran after challenge not able to address my people and ambassadors. I needed to show them who was in charge, still.

\- Ambassadors of the Coalition, as all of us know Azgeda has been always a treat. But I wanted to act accordingly to old principle, to hold your friends close but enemies closer. I did it. We did it. We hold Azgeda closer as a part of Kongeda. But it’s time to finally be able to put old animosities aside, to be really close with Azgeda as active supporter of coalition. It’s possible with Nia’s death and …  
\- With your weakness back? 

I heard that voice and for moment it stopped me. Costia wasn’t my weakness when we used to be together all these years ago, when I was newly ascended Heda, and then still I was capable of separating my feelings from duties when I didn’t get my revenge on Azgeda and instead I asked them to join coalition. But today indeed she made me look weak – she was so close to kill me and I wasn’t able to fight back, I almost wasn’t able to run away until last seconds, she might easily killed me. My life was in her hands, life of Heda and according to it of her subjects, future of whole coalition was in hands of that girl, just because I wasn’t able to hurt her in any way. How was I supposed to save my face from my own actions, which evidently spoke so much louder than words. I so badly wished that there was Clarke, she would say something, do something to help me. Her presence would give me strength. But she was absent and I needed to do everything to save my face, on my own.


	12. Rescued at all cost

CHAPTER 12  
Rescued at all cost

I looked at a source of the voice. It was ambassador of Sankru. I decided that I had to stay calm. I needed to reassure every one of them that I was capable to be their Heda. 

\- Costia is alive. I have never expected that. It shocked me. It shouldn’t, but it happened. But at this exact moment, now, it’s in the past. She has never been my weakness, and never will be. I was capable of separating feelings and duties after her death, and I’m still able to do that. Going back to what I was supposed to say. Now when Nia is dead we could finally get a new, fresh start in our relation with Azgeda. Roan will ensure this, that’s why his banishment was lifted. And that’s why he is new king of Azgeda.

Another round of murmurs went around the room. Finally one of them – ambassador of Trishana Kru gained courage to speak up.

\- Lifting prince’s banishment in return for challenge’s cancellation is not the way to ensure the best interest of the coalition, it’s the way to get satisfying outcome for you … Heda and for your lover.   
\- We can separate these two issues, if you are afraid that I took into consideration something else than best interest of the coalition. I’m sure that Roan is the best choice for Azgeda, as well as for the coalition. That’s why I lifted his banishment. But I also know that for the best interest of the coalition we need to work together and we need to trust each other. If you didn’t trust me, it wouldn’t work well. So to show you that I can make objective decisions, because my words and previous actions are evidently not enough, I will give you the right to decide about the challenge, via vote with normal majority win.  
\- Heda, you should reconsider this. You don’t have to …  
\- Stop Titus! I know that I don’t have to do this, but I want to. I want this coalition to be something we are all glad to be a part of, every one of you and all people of your clans, I don’t want you to see me as a dictator, who rule according to my own private plans. Everything I do I do for the coalition, since I ascended. But if you don’t trust me, it will never work. And to gain that trust I’m willing to show you transparency of my decisions. I want Roan as Azgeda’s ruler for the coalition, not for my own purposes, and to prove that I will give you the right to decide about my future. 

It was a gamble, but it was only possibility. I couldn’t act as a dictator, cause it would be too short-sighted. It would last for few days and then blow with double power. I needed them to want me to command them, not because of fear, but because they see me as the best option. 

\- Ambassadors, you will decide about the challenge in few minutes, but now let’s come back to the first issue of our meeting. Prince Roan of Azgeda, will you accept your new position as a king and will you swear your fealty to the coalition and to me?

Roan stood up, came to the podium of my throne and kneeled again. 

\- I swear my fealty to you Leksa kom Trikru, as a commander of the coalition, creator and heart of our alliance.  
\- You may stand up. Thank you king of Azgeda. Coalition is looking for brighter future in relation between Azgeda and other clans. 

I waited until he came back to his chair and I spoke up again.

\- Now according to second issue. Challenge. Titus, remind us about rules of voting.   
\- Every ambassador has one voice, yes to reopen the challenge and no to its cancellation. Majority will win. Ambassador of the Sky People is absent, so we have twelve votes to cast. If we achieve a tie, Azgeda’s voice will be decisive, as a clan, who initiated the challenge in the first place. Are there any objections?

Titus words were met with silence. 

\- So let’s the voting begin. You are free to give just vote or add some explanation.

I was anxious. I couldn’t imagine loosing it, being forced to come back to the arena. But coalition needed strong Heda and peace for more than few days, I owned it to my people. I couldn’t think about myself at that moment. I waited impatiently. I wished that Clarke was there, she would vote “no”, I was sure of that. And she would give me reassuring gaze, what was more needed even than her vote. But she was absent and it worried me a lot. 

\- Ambassador of Trikru, cast your vote. – Titus started round of voting.  
\- Trikru isn’t blind for weaknesses, but we also can easily see strength. There is no real, wise and not cruel strength without weakness. And there is no one better to command the coalition than its creator. Trikru vote no, we don’t need the challenge to know who is the most wise Heda since Becca Pramheda. 

Titus nodded in his direction and then placed his gaze on ambassador of Sankru.

\- Sankru vote yes. I can’t agree with statement that there is no strength without weakness. Heda was almost killed because of her weakness, and there is nothing positive about that, cause leader’s death is always dangerous for subjects. We need strong Heda. You used to be strong, Heda, so if you will go out from that challenge alive, Sankru will gladly go on under your leadership for many years.

I didn’t want to analyze their words, I didn’t want to predict next votes either, but I was getting more and more nervous and anxious with every word. It was one-one. Still eleven, or rather ten votes left, cause Clarke wasn’t there. 

\- Yujleda vote no. There is no one better to guide us than you, Heda.  
\- Louwoda Kliron vote yes.  
\- Boudalan Kru vote yes.  
\- Trishana Kru vote yes.

It was going into bad direction. Four yes and only two no.

\- Floukru vote no. Cause there is no reason to come back to that arena. We already knew that Heda wouldn’t be able to kill her opponent. So this is useless. I believe that Heda will be able to continue her way of guiding us into future, where peace could be achieved. Partly because of the fact that she is able to care, to have feelings. We used to have commanders, who showed only strength, who didn’t know weaknesses and all we used to get from that were wars. It’s enough.   
\- Azgeda vote no. And not because Heda will provide support for new king of our people, but because she has already proved, by accepting Azgeda into coalition in the first place, that she was capable to make decision regardless her personal life. And what happened earlier, on the arena it was effect of cruel antics of our former queen. We can’t let queen Nia play with us after her death.   
\- Podakru vote yes.  
\- Ouskejon Kru vote yes.  
\- Delfikru vote no.

It was five no and six yes. One vote left, and not from my greatest ally. Suddenly when I was supposed to go down the stairs from my throne to accept that after Ingranrona would say yes, I would have to enter that challenge again, Titus stepped out, and announced something that made me go back and sit down.

\- Heda Leksa, as every citizen of our coalition has right to refuse fighting against her bonded one. Costia was wearing mask in the begging of the challenge, so Heda wasn’t able to make formal announcement about that, but evidently she used her right in the moment she refused to put her sword anywhere near Costia’s body. You all, as ambassadors of the coalition have no right to change the law. This is our law since first commanders and Heda used it. Another challenge will have the same outcome, Heda will refuse to fight against her wife, and they will have to choose another champions. Do you think that it’s necessary to persuade this challenge, when Azgeda has already declare cancelling it. Knowing these facts, let’s hear the last vote. 

\- Ingranrona Kru vote … I was supposed to vote yes, but according to this new information, I have to respect Heda’s right to refuse fighting her wife. Bond is a sacred tie of two souls, which other people have no right to break. We have to cherish our traditions and laws, it’s one of them. So Ingranrona vote no. It wasn’t weakness, it was show of rightful action, compatible with our law. 

I couldn’t hear anything more. My mind drifted to faraway places. Challenge was over, Costia was safe, I was safe, coalition was somehow safe also, but … bond. How Costia would react to that? What would I tell Clarke? – I almost fainted because of that thought. I couldn’t think about it. I asked Titus to secure cancellation of the challenge, but did I really expected him to do it at all cost? I wanted to run away, to hide, to get back my composure, my internal strength, clarity of my thoughts and most of all I wanted to be Heda my coalition deserved to have in charge.


	13. Broken heart

CHAPTER 13  
Broken heart

I was trying to stay in the shadows, while I was on my way back to the tower. I didn’t want to meet anyone. I didn’t want to exchange looks with anyone. I still felt uncomfortable and ashamed after my behavior in the forest. And probably it was paranoid but I felt as if I had been seen there. That somebody had witnessed my inappropriate action. Something like that never happened to me. Desire too strong to suppress and reason of that burning far away, probably inaccessible forever, pushing me to please myself in the middle of public place, where I might be caught. I felt not only embarrassed but also stupid. It definitely didn’t match my title – Wanheda. I supposed to be above feelings and simple desires. I was pushing these feelings aside for so long, so when finally I admitted them to myself I was hoping for ... I shook my head to push these thoughts aside, I didn’t want to think about what could be if I told Lexa everything, not only “I want you … come back to me”. I didn’t want to wonder if that could change anything. Costia was back and even if we took our relationship further, I would never want Lexa to be with me out of duty, obligation or anything other than her free will and love. It would hurt more than losing her. Finally I reached the tower, if I could I would hide in my room for at least few days, but I was sure that I needed to talk to Lexa tonight, that I wouldn’t stand next hour without knowing what all of that could mean. At the same time I felt so stressed about facing her, or worse – facing the possibility that she wouldn’t want to see me, to clarify anything, just being too absorbed with Costia. Suddenly I panicked and felt that I wasn’t ready to find out if she was in her chambers, with Costia or alone, or if she wasn’t there at all chasing after her lover around tower, forgetting about Heda’s duties. I realized that in my own mind I sounded bitter and I had to admit that I had never been more jealous. 

I needed to calm down before that conversation, it would be even more embarrassing if I would reveal to Lexa how I felt, how it affected me. There was nothing better and more simple to lift my mood than some food. I changed my route and was about to enter kitchen to take something for supper, to delay moment of meeting Lexa, when I heard what I wasn’t ready to hear at all.

\- Heda kissed her.

I came closer to the door, not wanting to reveal my presence, but at the same time to hear it more clearly. Curiosity took better of me. 

\- It’s not possible, I was there all these years ago and I have never seen them kissing.  
\- Are you really surprised? Cause I’m not. They must have missed each other so much, that rules are no longer so important. Could you imagine being parted from your lover for seven years?  
\- But kissing in the middle of the hall. It’s not like our Heda. Did you really see this?  
\- On my own eyes. I have never seen more passionate kiss. I was afraid that … you know …  
\- Ohhh …  
\- So serve supper for two in Heda’s chambers. And breakfast … as well.

They started laughing. It seemed that they were really happy for their leader. But I couldn’t care less at that moment. I turned around, immediately feeling no more hunger. There was no more space for speculations, to deliberate if feelings could last so long or could survive fighting each other for death. Lexa came back to her lover. There was nothing more to talk about, there was no sense in facing her. I needed to go, to leave Polis … but where should I go. Arkadia wasn’t home anymore. After spending few weeks in Polis I couldn’t imagine going back to woods and that lonely existence. Anyway it was decided, I would leave tonight. I would take my belongings, give formal information to Titus and leave, for unknown destination. I just couldn’t be there to witness rebirth of their love. Or maybe it wouldn’t be rebirth after all, maybe that love was alive all the time. And being unhappy because Costia was alive made me feel guilty at once. Guilt, hurt, disappointment, jealousy – too much unwelcomed feelings. 

I hurried to the elevator. It felt as if it took hours to reach my floor, our flour, Heda’s floor, their floor. I wanted to scream. It felt as if my heart would explode in a minute. I was few meters from my door, when I heard her voice. My heart stopped.

\- Clarke, could we talk?

I didn’t want to turn around, fearing that I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings, while looking into her eyes. So I didn’t stop and answered her, looking into space in front of me.

\- I’m in a great hurry Heda. I have to leave.  
\- Clarke … what do you mean?

I didn’t stop. My hand reached handle. But before I was able to push it, I felt her hand on my shoulder. 

\- Clarke …  
\- I really need to go. – I barely whispered. 

I was still standing with my back to her. And she was still having her hand on my shoulder. It was definitely uncomfortable situation, as much as I didn’t want to face her, I didn’t want to feel her hand on me even more. It was too hard to fight shivering in that situation. Finally I turned around but my gaze was on the floor.

\- Where are you going, Clarke? Why in such hurry, at night?  
\- Arkadia.  
\- You didn’t mention it before.  
\- I need to see my mother.  
\- Ohh … you need to see your people … I see … then … 

I heard something strange in her voice. I looked up. It woke her up somehow, as if my words put her into musing and my gaze got her back. But she looked behind me. 

\- I will provide you with escort, anyway you shouldn’t leave before tomorrow morning. It’s too dangerous.   
\- I know. Anyway I need to rest.  
\- I understand. I won’t bother you any longer. I just want to tell you something important. That … that Roan is the new king of Azgeda and challenge is canceled. It might be important for Sky People, but for now nothing will change. My protection forces will stay near Arkadia, as long as it will be necessary, and Nia’a body will be delivered to your people as a sign of justice. 

She spoke so quickly, as if afraid that I would interrupt her or she would say something, she didn’t mean to voice. It was good, even better than good information but I wasn’t able to whisper anything more than simple – Thank you.

After that river of words, pushed at me with speed of light, at that moment Lexa was looking at me as if she wasn’t able to construct proper sentence, in her eyes I saw disappointment or maybe it was fear or something similar to guilt. I wondered if she was disappointed at me because she thought that I would abandon my duties as Ambassadors. I even didn’t want to hope that she would simply miss me. Probably at current situation it would never cross her mind. Probably I was some cut-scene in her history, something to distract her from her sorrow, but now reason of her pain was over, she would never need me again. Her gaze anyway was unreadable, it was more than uncomfortable, I was sure that I really needed to go.

\- I have to go. Reshop Heda.

She shivered a little. It was again quite strange. I thought that maybe she felt bad for me, that she might think that I was not pleased with Costia’s coming back. I couldn’t say it wasn’t true, but I shouldn’t blame her. It was not her fault, it wasn’t even Costia’s fault, it was all Nia. And for everyone except me it was miracle, something to be happy about. I should get back my composure and act as I supposed to.

\- Lexa, I’m happy for you. 

After all she deserved to be happy, and I couldn’t make her feel guilty about it. I turned around to enter my room. I heard her whisper in the background.

\- Good night Ambassador. 

Tears, which I was holding so desperately, finally run down my face. “I’m happy for you” … I really should be happy for Lexa, but how could I manage that while my heart was broken.


	14. CHAPTER 14 Attempt to rebuild bridges

CHAPTER 14  
Attempt to rebuild bridges

My blood was boiling, my mind was spinning and my heart was pumping with crazy speed. I needed to find Clarke and talk to her, as soon as possible. I had to do it before she would get information about reason for challenge’s cancellation from other source. But at the same time I had no idea how to tell her that Costia was my wife. Or should I tell her that it was only Titus’s lie to prevent us from going back to the arena. Could I trust Clarke with that? Would she keep that as secret? Any doubt in that matter would end up with Costia’s death, my death, Titus’s death and probably with the end of the coalition. And how could I not take that risk, when there was possibility of breaking Clarke’s heart. I came back to the moment when she stated “I want you … I want you … Come back to me”. I recreated in my mind how she was leaning in to kiss me. I had been waiting for that moment since she told me “Not yet”, I had been dreaming about it and when it finally happened I somehow ruined that. Should I talk with her about that too? How should I start that conversation. I was trying to prepare something inside my head, I definitely wasn’t ready, but there was no more time, I spotted Clarke in the middle of the corridor, she was on the way to her chambers. I had to speak up, to stopped her. 

\- Clarke, could we talk?

It was strange, she didn’t turn around, just answered me still walking into direction of her room. And her answer was even more strange. 

\- I’m in great hurry Heda. I have to leave.

She called me Heda, while there wasn’t anyone around and she intended to leave. What did she mean – leave tower, me, Polis? I wondered if that day could bring any more confusion. 

\- Clarke … what do you mean?

She was still walking, her hand reached handle. I couldn’t let her leave without answer. I needed to talk to her, to face her. I stopped her with putting my hand on her shoulder. 

\- Clarke …  
\- I really need to go. 

She whispered. I felt that she was shivering. My mind was spinning again, why was she acting so strange, did she hear about the voting, about marriage with Costia, was she mad about the outcome of the challenge. I had no idea what to say to stop her. She couldn’t leave me, not now. I needed her. I wanted her. Finally she turned around but her gaze never left the floor.

\- Where are you going, Clarke? Why in such hurry, at night?  
\- Arkadia.  
\- You didn’t mention it before.  
\- I need to see my mother.

She wasn’t looking into my eyes, but I was quite sure that she was lying. But why? Maybe, the same way as Costia she couldn’t stand my presence anymore. She wanted to run away. I couldn’t let that happened, I wouldn’t be able to go through hearing from her something similar to what I heard from Costia. I didn’t want to be around her, if it would mean hurting her. So I decided to give up.

\- Ohh … you need to see your people, yes? 

Probably tone of my voice changed something for her, cause she finally looked up to face me. But I was too afraid to look into her eyes, it would break me to see something like regret, discomfort, hate in her eyes, it would be too much. So instead I focused my gaze on door behind her. 

\- I will provide you with escort, anyway you shouldn’t leave before tomorrow morning. It’s too dangerous.   
\- I know. Anyway I need to rest.

I still wasn’t ready to look into her eyes, but after all I wanted to talk to her. I needed to tell her what happened. She deserved to know. To learn it from me. 

\- I understand. I won’t bother you any longer. I just want to tell you, that Roan is the new king of Azgeda and challenge is canceled. It might be important for Sky People. For now nothing will change. My protection forces will stay near Arkadia, as long as it will be necessary, and Nia’a body will be delivered to your people as a sign of justice …

Before I was able to gain enough strength to tell her what I supposed to tell her from the beginning she interrupted and I didn’t have enough courage to start again. 

\- Thank you.

Finally our eyes met. I wasn’t able to tell anything more. I was too confused, hurt, disappointed and guilty at once. As if she sensed that she quickly said her goodbye. 

\- I have to go. Reshop Heda.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to let her go, when I needed her so much. Thoughts about her departure made me shiver. I wanted to beg her to stay, but I just couldn’t. It was too much begging for one day and somehow I felt that begging her would make me feel too ashamed. She was so strong and proud. She was Wanheda. Clarke and Costia were so unlike, I couldn’t understand how it happened that I fell for two women, who were so different. Suddenly something in Clarke’s face changed drastically and she smiled at me. 

\- Lexa, I’m happy for you. 

I wasn’t expecting these words from her. But before I was able to say anything back she turned around to enter her room. I could only whispered in front of closed door.

\- Good night Ambassador. 

I turned around and went into direction of my chambers. I couldn’t let Titus find me in front of another woman’s door. I totally needed to collect my act. I was acting too foolishly. I wanted to focus on my duties but my mind was still spinning around Clarke, her strange behavior and these words “I’m happy for you”. Did she just leave because she predicted that it was something I wanted or needed. That with Costia back in Polis there was no place for her in my life. It was so untrue. I wanted Clarke. Suddenly I remembered that I should have one more conversation till tomorrow, with Costia about our fake marriage. Without her participation that lie wouldn’t live longer than few days or hours. But I pushed aside thought about talking with Costia, cause it seemed to me as even more impossible task. 

I closed my eyes, trying to gain as much calmness as possible. I needed that more than anything at that moment. I had to do something with my personal life if I wanted to save the coalition. I needed to focus on my duties. I ordered guards to find Titus for me. 

***

\- It will be the first thing you do in the morning. And then you will do everything to ensure Clarke’s safety on her journey.   
\- Heda.  
\- Yes?  
\- I think that you need to talk with Costia, not me. I have never had any control over her.

I smiled to myself, when memory of Costia making funny faces behind Titus back came to my mind. She indeed had never acted as if she was afraid of Titus. Most of times she respected him, but not like others, she wasn’t blinded by his sacred position. 

\- Heda, you couldn’t let her anger destroy the coalition, put you and your people in danger.  
\- You don’t have to tell me.

Finally our eyes met. I realized why he was avoiding it, he was not able to cover his disappointment. And probably out of duty, he thought that he shouldn’t show me that, disrespected me that way.

\- Why did you do this? – I asked him, expecting that he would know what I was talking about.   
\- I have never met any person, commander or not, who would be so devoted to bring peace and do what’s right, be so wise, unselfish and strong …  
\- But? – I sensed that there was something like that, what he was trying to avoid saying.  
\- But sometimes your feelings are what make you weak. You chased after Costia, as if you forget who you are. – He looked at me as if waiting for permission, I just nodded. – Being bonded to her could be the only one explanation for your behavior during and after the challenge.   
\- Still it’s not explaining why did you do this.  
\- There has never been better commander, there is no other hope for peace and better future for coalition. I’m … I’m disappointed, because Heda, you showed weakness, but I would never want to serve another commander. You are what’s your people need. And I wanted to increase your chances, our chances to have you as our Heda, as long as possible.  
\- This conversation with Costia won’t be easy, but it will be much easier than joining her at arena again. So, as uncomfortable as it is, thank you Titus. 

I let him go. I was a little more calm, knowing that he was disappointed but still saw me as good commander, the best option for the coalition. 

Night was so calm and quite warm. I felt relieved that it was after midnight, it was new day and I could start thinking about future and rebuilding bridges – as commander, between me and ambassadors, and as Lexa, between me and people close to my heart. As much as I was confused about my feelings, I perfectly knew that I cared about Clarke and about Costia. I wasn’t sure how I could describe these feelings further, but I needed to keep both of them safe. And to do that I had to be strong.


End file.
